Goals

Okay, so it's time for me to set up some goals for myself, which will help me become healthier, as well as make me feel like I'm actually doing something with my life right now.

1.) I'd like to lose 20 lbs. within a month or two. Preferably one month. Exercise, vitamins, and watching my caloric intake will be primary. I can't really afford to eat health right now but God I'd love to, money however, is very low. I believe that this will be the first baby step into helping me become more comfortable with myself and therefore less anxious in most situations. Also, if I can rid myself of these terrible self-defeating thoughts and raise my self-confidence...I'll be much less likely to sabotage any future relationships...because that is the LAST thing that I want to do. I'm tired of running away. I'm too stubborn for that.

2.) We are all aware that I tried very hard to quit smoking and failed. I refuse to let that get me down anymore. It was my first attempt at quitting and I think I did pretty darn well. Now I just have to get ready again.

3.) I would like to try and get out of the house more. Go visit friends and family, even if that means I'll hate it in the beginning...perhaps things will eventually change, specifically with my family issues.

4.) I'd like to work on my conversational and social skills. I used to be very good at it but since leaving college, I've fallen. I'll get back to myself again one of these days.

5.) I will get outside more often and do the things that I used to love to do. Things like taking photographs, walking in the park, driving the back roads and exploring. ALONE!! I haven't done those things since back in college and I adored it so much. I will get into my hobbies more, writing poetry, drawing and painting, singing to my ever beloved music, crying when it just feels right (I hold it in far too often, due to past experiences), and hell I may even start playing my Clarinet again, I was amazing at it. :) I could add more to the list but I'm sure they'll come alone eventually.

I used to love myself and I remember that feeling...I loved that feeling. I will do anything to get that back. I crave it and long for it. Maybe I won't be able to do all of this alone, in fact I'm pretty sure I won't, but I will try. That's all that I can do. If I need help along the way, I really hope that I can find someone willing to do whatever it takes to guide me. I will get desperate, I won't lie. It's a part of me that I'm beginning to embrace...I'll always need someone to protect me...and that is alright with me.

Thank you for reading and if any of you think that there are specific areas that I should focus on...please let me know...I'm all for constructive criticism. :) I'd appreciate any feedback.

This is so true...

Compared to other takers

* 49/100 You scored 45 on ABC, higher than 49% of your peers.
* 76/100 You scored 48 on XYZ, higher than 76% of your peers.


Your result for The Quick & Painless ENNEAGRAM Test ...

4- the Individualist
you chose BY - your Enneagram type is FOUR (aka "The Romantic")

"I am unique"

Romantics have sensitive feelings and are warm and perceptive.


How to Get Along with Me

* Give me plenty of compliments. They mean a lot to me.
* Be a supportive friend or partner. Help me to learn to love and value myself.
* Respect me for my special gifts of intuition and vision.
* Though I don't always want to be cheered up when I'm feeling melancholy, I sometimes like to have someone lighten me up a little.
* Don't tell me I'm too sensitive or that I'm overreacting!


What I Like About Being a FOUR

* my ability to find meaning in life and to experience feeling at a deep level
* my ability to establish warm connections with people
* admiring what is noble, truthful, and beautiful in life
* my creativity, intuition, and sense of humor
* being unique and being seen as unique by others
* having aesthetic sensibilities
* being able to easily pick up the feelings of people around me


What's Hard About Being a FOUR

* experiencing dark moods of emptiness and despair
* feelings of self-hatred and shame; believing I don't deserve to be loved
* feeling guilty when I disappoint people
* feeling hurt or attacked when someone misundertands me
* expecting too much from myself and life
* fearing being abandoned
* obsessing over resentments
* longing for what I don't have


FOURs as Children Often

* have active imaginations: play creatively alone or organize playmates in original games
* are very sensitive
* feel that they don't fit in
* believe they are missing something that other people have
* attach themselves to idealized teachers, heroes, artists, etc.
* become antiauthoritarian or rebellious when criticized or not understood
* feel lonely or abandoned (perhaps as a result of a death or their parents' divorce)


FOURs as Parents

* help their children become who they really are
* support their children's creativity and originality
* are good at helping their children get in touch with their feelings
* are sometimes overly critical or overly protective
* are usually very good with children if not too self-absorbed


...and more at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Four_(Enneagram)

Slip and Fall

Okay, so I need to be honest here. This princess fell off her pedestal today, and fell numerous times, HARD. I guess I just let the overwhelming depression get to me, along with everyone around me that do the things that I shouldn't do. Excuses are pointless. I guess I just need a little "pick-me-up" or a talking to or...something. I'm not quite sure.

I'll be around again for a few days...

*Kimmie*

It's a long process...

To start off...this song reminds me of how I've been feeling lately. I'll get over it though, it's not how I always feel. I HAVE to learn how to talk about those feelings that I so often hide.

"You hide the shame that you're not showing and you won't let anyone in, a crowded street can be a quiet place when you're walking alone and now you think that you're the only one who doesn't have to try, and you won't have to fail, if you're afraid to fight then I guess you never will. You hide behind your walls of maybe nevers, forgetting that there's something more than just knowing better, your mistakes do not define you now, to tell you who you're not, you've got to live this life you're given like it's the only one you've got, memories have left you broken and the scars have never healed, the emptiness in you is growing with so little left to feel, you're scared to look back on the days before and too tired to move on...if you're afraid to fight then I guess you never will..."

This post may very well be redundant, but oh well, it just happened to be on my mind tonight.

When it comes to DD, the way you go about the discipline process, from beginning to end, is of utmost importance. Well, it is for me anyway. If one thing is done wrong it can ruin the entire lesson being taught. This has to put tremendous pressure on the spanker, the spankee...not so much. Hell, all she has to do is lay there and take it...not that it's easy, mind you, but you know what I mean. Hah. For me, I know exactly how I want it all to go from start to finish. I know what works for me. However, that doesn't mean that I'm able to be completely open and honest with my spanker freely. If he were to ask me straight up then I wouldn't have as difficult of a time doing so. That also doesn't mean that I'm not flexible and willing to learn other things that might work for me. I'm always willing to learn.

In short, I prefer the spanker to be more "fatherly," for lack of a better word, in his acts. I want him to be caring and understanding, yet stern and thorough. I don't want him to give in and let me out of anything. Afterall, I deserve what I've earned plain and simple. Now...if I've done something particularly bad, then things change a bit in my mind. I would love to think that there would never be a time when I felt no remorse for my actions. I would also love to believe that I were perfect, but we all know that simply is not true. If there were ever a time when I didn't care about my doing something stupid, then I would expect (although probably not so much at the time) my partner to immediately take care of it. I'd imagine he would be very to-the-point and harsh (again, I suck at vocabulary so that may not be the right word that I'm looking for). The caring and forgiveness would probably have to wait until afterwards. Sometimes it just takes a LOT to get through to the spankee. Yes, even with me...more so than I'd like...but that can always change. That brings a question to mind...what do you do, as a spanker, if the spankee gets very out of control when you try to spank her for a major offence, and she just won't have any part of it?? What if she threatens you, even if she didn't really mean the threat, because she wasn't in a rational state of mind? Okay, that wasn't so short afterall...

Here are some more questions for whoever reads this...

When you are punishing a spankee, how do you prefer speak to them? Are you stern and harsh? Or do you show some type of fatherly characteristics, such as still using “pet names” and being caring and understanding yet still stern at the same time? Do you gently grab their chin to get them to look you in the eyes? Do you help them by guiding them over your knee or do you make them do it themselves (along with lowering pants and panties)? After the punishment is over, do you hold them and let them cry on your shoulder if needed? Do you comfort and hug them and let them know that all is forgiven and it will be alright? Are your reasonings for these answers because of your fantasies or because of what you think is best for her or something else?

On another topic...I was talking to a friend the other night and I was feeling down about the lifestyle that I so yearn to live. I told him how my ex-fiance thought it was "weird," which I immediately took as him meaning that I was weird. It took me over 2 years to gather up the courage to tell him...in a letter, at that...about this. It REALLY hurt when he said that, but I have to give him the credit for trying...he did try to help me. I learned a very important lesson, and I guess I knew it all along, that you can't force this lifestyle on anyone. Although it still amazes me how someone that didn't grow up wanting this, such as someone that was introduced to this through a prior relationship, can be as passionate about it as I am (maybe that's just because Justin didn't turn into a spanko). *shrugs* Maybe I'll just never understand.

Anyways, back to the friend I was talking to about feeling weird about the lifestyle. He doesn't think I'm weird for it, but he does see how others might see it as that way. I guess I do too but it still hurts tremendously. Hell, he will even spank me if I really need it, because he knows that I'll hurt myself physically if I get to that point of no return (although it's not easy for me to ask him, so I rarely do). He may not be into the lifestyle but he sure does care about his friends. I guess that's why he's one of my best friends. He doesn't judge me but he's very honest with me on his opinions about things. It means a lot that my two best friends support (not to mention, trust) me in the lifestyle I want and ultimately will support me with the person that I choose to be my partner for life. I'm not one to quickly let people inside my heart...to see the real Kimmie (and that's who I truly am, my personality). Not that I'm dishonest with them, I just don't always openly reveal the most intimate aspects of myself to them straight away. You're a very important person to me when I do decide to open my heart to you. Then...you better not break it. I don't know that I'll ever feel comfortable with who I am and what I believe, but I sure hope that my future partner will help me with that. Maybe one day I won't feel like I'm "weird," and maybe one day I'll finally get his damned voice out of my head saying..."It's just weird."

On a final note, since it is Halloween, what are some of your favorite costumes to celebrate the event? I won't be celebrating but I'm still curious...

Reinforcement

Kimmie - Free and Healing for Three Days, 3 Hours and 50 Minutes, while extending my life expectancy 5 Hours, by avoiding the use of 63 nicotine delivery devices that would have cost me $12.64.

*Smiles*

Smoking cessation

Okay. So I've FINALLY decided to quit smoking...it finally hit me that I truly want to. I think I'm doing well by only having one every 3 hours...and that alone is KILLING me. In the next few days I'm planning on just biting the bullet and going cold turkey. That is the smartest way, really...as much as I hate to admit it. Now honestly, I had told myself I was going to have my last cigarette last night...but that didn't happen. I went to sleep around 9:30pm and then woke up at 3:00am out of nowhere, I guess because of the ear pain and lack of the amount of nicotine that my body is used to. So...of course I ended up having a cigarette. I couldn't go back to sleep, there was no one online and nobody awake here, no support...nothing to distract me.

I need all the support that I can get right now because I really don't believe that I can do this on my own. Unfortunately, there isn't anyone that I can call each and every time I need that support. Of course, I know things would be different if I had a regular person to spank me but that just isn't possible right now. ;-( The only thing that I can figure is to not buy another pack of cigarettes once this pack is gone. Then I have the problem of living with 2 smokers...that's a huge concern of mine. If I get that hideous craving for a cigarette...all I have to do is find them or one of their smokes. Earlier, when I had that cigarette, I just beat myself up inside and got very upset. Nicotine is such a horrific, disastrous, and sickening addiction. I never realized just how much of a grip it had on me until now. I've never had any drug addiction problems and I never saw cigarettes as being a drug...until now.

I need to find a mentor, someone who is an ex-smoker, to help me through this process. The only person that I can think of that has quit smoking cold turkey is my brother, Kyle. I'm pretty sure that he had smoked for about as long as I have, when he decided to quit. I emailed him last night and asked him for some tips and tricks on how he managed to stop. He's not exactly quick about getting back to me...so he's kind of an unreliable source...but maybe he'll surprise me. I love him to death. It's truly unreal how much he and I favor one another.

I have found a site that has helped me thus far and I'm going to try to visit it as much as I can. www.whyquit.com It has some amazing articles and some absolutely heart wrenching stories. I never realized how many young people could get cancer from smoking. I'll admit, I did know that cancer wasn't just for older folks...but it didn't really HIT me until now. I don't want to become one of them!!

I would appreciate and love all of the support that I can get right now. I'm sorry to sound selfish but please keep me in your thoughts.

*Kimmie*

All about Kimmie. ;-)

1 - THE BASICS
2 - Name	Kimberly
3 - Gender	Female
4 - Age	24
5 - Screen Name	kamokittie
6 - Birthday	August 8th, 1984 (8-8-84)
7 - Race	Caucasian
8 - School/Grade	Senior in College
9 - Job	Maid ;-)
10 - Status	Um...Single
11 - Hometown	Little Rock, Arkansas
12 - Current Town	Sheridan, Arkansas
13 - Parents Still Together	Yes Sir! :)
14 - Siblings	Tina (46), Kevin (34), Kyle (29). Yes, I'm the youngest.
15 - Pets	Cat-"Possum" and Parakeet-"Dali" Cat-"Rusty" RIP.
16 - Smoker	Yes...but I really want to quit.
17 - Drinker	No thank you.
18 - Virgin	No.
19 - Orientation	Heterosexual.
20 - Drugs	JUST SAY NO!!
21 - APPEARANCE
22 - Hair Color	Auburn
23 - Is it Dyed?	Yes, my natural color is a bit lighter
24 - Eye color	Hazel
25 - Height	5'5 and a half
26 - Style	Haha!
27 - Glasses/Contacts/None?	Contacts and Glasses
28 - Freckles	Yes Sir
29 - Body Type	I'm considered average. *shrugs*
30 - Shoe Size	9-10 depending on the type of shoe. Hush! I know I have big feet.
31 - Piercings	2 in each ear
32 - Want More?	No.
33 - Tatoos?	Yes, for Mrs. Chastin
34 - Want More?	Nope.
35 - Braces?	I had them when I was younger to correct and overbite.
36 - Overall Best Feature?	My bottom, of course! ;-)
37 - Overall Worst Feature?	Everything but my bottom? =P
38 - Do you get most of your traits from mom or dad?	My dad, I think.
39 - LIKES/DISLIKES
40 - Favorite Color	Purple.
41 - Worst Color	No idea...I like them all.
42 - Favorite Number	8 (It's a prominent number in my life).
43 - Favorite Animal	Cat!!
44 - Least Favorite Animal	I like them all.
45 - Favorite Flower	This is cliche but a single Rose is my favorite flower...of any color.
46 - Favorite Food	Steak.
47 - Worst Food	I'm not a huge fan of rice.
48 - Favorite Junk Food	Chocolate.
49 - Worst Junk Food	No clue...
50 - Favorite Restaraunt	Outback Steakhouse. Although any restaraunt with white cheese dip is up there on my list.
51 - Favorite Ice Cream Flavor	Cookies and Cream.
52 - Favorite Candy	Chocolate with almonds or Chocolate with peanut butter.
53 - Favorite Alcoholic Drink	No thank you.
54 - Favorite NON Alcoholic Drink	Sweet Tea!!
55 - Worst Alcoholic Drink	All of them.
56 - Worst NON Alcoholic Drink	I have no idea...
57 - Favorite Genre of Music	Rock I suppose.
58 - Worst Genre	Country or hard Rap. , i j
59 - Favorite Band/Artist	The Smashing Pumpkins...they will always have my heart.
60 - Worst Band/Artist	Any country or hard rap artist or band.
61 - Favorite Song
62 - Worst Song	*shrugs*
63 - Favorite Radio Station	I don't listen to the radio anymore, honestly.
64 - Favorite Book	Hm...I'm sure I have a few...
65 - Worst Book	Don't know!!
66 - Favorite Type of Movie	Horror and Comedy are my favorites!
67 - Worst Type of Movie	I'm not big on Romance movies but that is because of my past failed relationships...so that could change.
68 - Favorite Movie
69 - Worst Movie Ever	I do NOT know!
70 - Favorite TV Show	The Simpsons, House!, Grey's Anatomy, I like most sci-fi and health shows. Also, I'm a huge fan of The History Channel. I'm a total nerd!
71 - Worst TV Show	Reality TV. I get enough of reality in my own life...c'mon people!
72 - Favorite Season of the Year	Fall and Spring. Although I love love love the Winter when it snows...we don't get the white stuff here. *cries*
73 - Worst Season	Summer!
74 - Best Friend	Chastin Marie Yon
75 - Worst Enemy	I don't have any enemies.
76 - Favorite Day of the Week	Any good day is just fine with me.
77 - Least Favorite Day of the Week	Any bad day...
78 - Favorite Sport	I love playing basketball and batting cages...haven't tried a whole lot more but I'd certainly be willing to learn. :)
79 - Sport You Hate	Football (American).
80 - One thing you cant get enough of	Spankings! Haha! That, and of course I love making people smile, especially children...I live for that!
81 - One thing you hate more than anything	Judgemental closed-minded idiots.
82 - LOVE LIFE
83 - Are You Single?	Yes.
84 - If not, who is your bf/gf?
85 - How Long Have You Been Together?
86 - If You're Single, Do you Like It?	I deal with it...but I'd MUCH rather be taken and claimed. :P
87 - Do You Have a Crush On Anyone Right Now?	I certainly do, Mr. Alex!
88 - First Kiss	Kindergaten to Paul Hiblong.
89 - Ever Kiss in the Rain?	Yes and I LOVE it.
90 - In a Movie Theater?	Oooh yes...
91 - Underwater?	I've tried...
92 - First Love	Justin Timothy Dyal.
93 - Have you ever Cheated on Anyone?	Absolutely not, nor would I ever.
94 - Been Cheated on?	Yes. :(
95 - Used Someone?	I'm sure I have at some point...and I'm very sorry if I did. :(
96 - Been used?	Yes, of course...who hasn't?
97 - Lied to your bf/gf?	Yes, of course but I always felt bad about it.
98 - Ever Made out With Just a Friend?	Yes.
99 - Ever Had Sex With Just a Friend?	Yes.
100 - Are You a Tease?	I can be.
101 - Do you Flirt a Lot?	I can.
102 - Longest Relationship	5 years...engagement.
103 - Shortest	A couple weeks back in Jr. High School.
104 - Have you Ever Gotten a Poem?	Yes and I love them. Words from the heart amaze me. :)
105 - Ever Get Flowers?	Yes and I love them too!
106 - Sweetest Thing You've Ever Gotten	Flowers actually. They melt me. :)
107 - Do you Like Valentine's Day or Sweetest Day?	Yes I do. I'm unlike most girls here...I don't expect to receive anything on Valentine's Day...I just want to spend time with the one I gave my heart to.
108 - Do you Believe in Love at First Sight?	Lust at first sight.
109 - Do you Believe in
110 - Do you Fall in Love Fast?	I have been known to wear my heart on my sleeve...but I'm working on that.
111 - Are you a Player?	No and if I ever found out a guy was doing it to me, he's gone.
112 - Would you ever Hook Up With Someone of the Same sex?	No, that part of my life is LONG gone.
113 - Have You ever Kissed 2 People in One Day?	Not that I remember.
114 - Kissed 2 People At One Time?	No.
115 - Had Sex with 2 People in One day?	No.
116 - Had sex with 2+ People at One Time?	No.
117 - Ever cried over someone of the opposite sex?	Ooooh God yes.
118 - Ever Been Dumped?	Yes.
119 - Ever dumped someone?	Yes.
120 - Ever been rejected?	Yes, it hurts.
121 - Do you have a lot of ex's?	Not really.
122 - Are you a slut?	No.
123 - Ever been called one?	Heh, in good fun, yes. :P
124 - Ever dated someone more than once?	Yes... *sigh*
125 - Do you ever make the first move?	No but I would if I felt it was right/needed.
126 - Double dates or single?	Single
127 - Do you want to get married?	Yes, I want to be with the same man for the REST OF MY LIFE. Why is that so hard to find in this day and age? :(
128 - OPPOSITE SEX (what you're attracted to)
129 - Hair Color	I've been with all hair types and I'm not picky.
130 - Short or long?	I don't care for short short hair, personally. I like something to run my fingers through.
131 - Style	Doesn't matter, whatever he likes best. :)
132 - Age	Preferably somewhere within' 5 years of my own. But...love doesn't really have an age.
133 - Height	Doesn't matter.
134 - Weight	Seems that I always end up with the thinner type guys for some reason. Don't ask me. I'm not picky at all.
135 - Muscular Or Skinny	Doesn't really matter.
136 - Boxers or Briefs	Boxers. :P
137 - Do you care about looks?	Not particularly, no.
138 - Other
139 - Can you drive?	Oooh yes, Sir. I can drive a stick like no other too. :D
140 - Do You Have a Car?	I do, indeed. It's a Blue 2005 Dodge Neon SXT with a sunroof and color inlay.
141 - Do you have a cell phone?	Yes.
142 - Are you online a lot?	Yes.
143 - Do you like gay/bi people?	I have many friends that are gay/bi. Doesn't bother me...just not my thing.
144 - Can you speak another language?	Some Spanish.
145 - Do you do well in school?	Decent. Yes.
146 - Do you collect anything?	Junk. :P
147 - Have an obsession?	Um. Spanking...it can become an obsession. I think that's just because I haven't had one in so long...
148 - Do you hate yourself?	Honestly. Not at all. Sometimes I feel like I do though.
149 - Ever smile for no reason?	Yes...and hush!
150 - Talk to yourself?	Not really.
151 - Do you have any regrets?	I don't believe in regrets. I wouldn't be who I am without those experiences.
152 - Believe in magick?	No.
153 - Do you support gay marriage?	Doesn't bother me.
154 - Sex before marriage?	Doesn't bother me.
155 - Do you trust people easily?	Yes...
156 - Forgive easily?	Yes...
157 - Do you have a secret no one knows?	Hm. I don't think so.
158 - Do you get along with your parents?	Yes.
159 - What about other people?	Most of the time, yes.
160 - How do you vent your anger?	Hmmm...well...not wisely.
161 - Do you like George Bush?	Meh. Not really sure.
162 - Goal Before you die?	To find and be with my one true love. Also...it'd be nice to have children. :)
163 - Biggest Fear	Losing my parents....and the process of dying.
164 - Biggest Weakness	My addictive personality.
165 - Do you play an instrument?	Clarinet, yes!
166 - What do you want to be when you grow up?	Child Psychiatrist or therapist.
167 - PERSONALITY TRAITS - Are you...
168 - A bitch?	I can be but that's easily fixed.
169 - A daydreamer?	Not really.
170 - Shy?	Yes around new people especially.
171 - Talkative?	No.
172 - Energic?	I can be.
173 - Happy?	Somewhat, moreso than ever. Slowly getting better.
174 - Depressed?	Yes...too often. Working on it.
175 - Funny?	I like to think so...
176 - Slutty?	No!
177 - Boring?	Um. I think so, yes.
178 - Mean?	No.
179 - Nice?	Yes.
180 - Caring?	Yes.
181 - Trustworthy?	Yes.
182 - Confident?	Not really...again, working on it.
183 - Friendly?	Yes.
184 - Smart?	Yes!
185 - Sarcastic?	Oh God Yes.
186 - Dependable?	Yes.
187 - Quiet?	Yes.
188 - Weird?	Yes.
189 - Adaptable?	Somewhat. Takes a bit.
190 - Strong (emotionally)?	Yes, actually. And emotionally strong does not mean someone who does not cry.
191 - Strong (physically)?	Meh...somewhat.
192 - Mature?	Yes...sometimes. ;)
193 - Logical?	Not so much.
194 - Religious?	Yes.
195 - Modest?	Yes.
196 - Indesicive?	OH YES!!! WAY too much so...
197 - Sympathetic?	Very much so. I can put myself in others' shoes SO well.
198 - Polite?	Yes.
199 - Creative?	Yes!
200 - Fun to be around?	Yes.
201 - Loveable?	Yes!
202 - Easily Amused?	Yes...like whoa!
203 - Outgoing?	Not so much.
204 - Daring?	Yes. I love thrills.
205 - Clumsy?	Yes...haha...oh yes. I have tripped over air, ya know! Also gotten 8 staples in my head from being clumsy...*ahem*
206 - Nosy?	Not so much.
207 - Lazy?	I can be.
208 - Scary?	Haha, yeah I can be...especially when I wake up! :P
209 - Optimistic?	Sometimes.
210 - Persuasive?	Hm. I can whine and beg with the best of them! =D
211 - A good listener?	Yes, very.
212 - Curious?	Yes, I'm just like a cat! Really.
213 - Determined?	Yes. Oh yes. Definitely!!
214 - Artistic?	Yes!
215 - Honest?	Yes! It's a trait I'm so glad I posess and I respect and admire it in others.
216 - Respectful?	Yes...I try to be.
217 - Concieted?	I can be...but it's rare.
218 - Cocky?	I can be...but it's rare too.
219 - Controlling?	Not particularly, no.
220 - Playful?	Yes, VERY!
221 - Easygoing?	Yeah usually.
222 - Carefree?	Yes.
223 - Hot Headed?	Nah.
224 - Serious?	Sometimes.
225 - Thoughtful?	Yes.
226 - Considerate?	Yes.
227 - Stubborn?	Yes, too much so.
228 - Romantic?	Oh yes.
229 - Ambitious?	Oh yes.
230 - Jealous?	Yes, I can be for sure.
231 - Insecure?	Yes, very.
232 - Obsessive?	I can be.
233 - Attentive?	Sometimes...
234 - Helpful?	Yes.
235 - Punctual?	HAH!!!! OH NO NO NO.
236 - Rational?	That's hard for me...
237 - Sincere?	Yes.
238 - Tolerant?	Yes.
239 - Goodbye
240 - Did you enjoy this survey?	It was long.
241 - Was it too long?	Yes, see above.
242 - Do you think it contained just about everything?	No, actually. :(

The Art of Dominance

Okay so this is going to be a TOUGH topic for me to blog about. I’ve been a submissive my entire life thus far and I can’t say that I know what it’s like to be Dominant. SO…I’m just going to make some assumptions here.

In a consensual agreement of course, Dom’s take pleasure in taking control of the submissive…and of course submissives take pleasure in being controlled. I would imagine that the most important aspect here is the same as with submissives…TRUST.

I’ve noticed that most Dom’s seem to have this confident “I’m always right” attitude and when their submissive agrees with them in any way, they get this natural high…almost like an ego-trip (as bad as it sounds, hah)…of course, it must be a sincere agreement on the sub’s part. I’ve noticed that most sub’s tend to be very dependent in their lives and dom’s seem to be very independent (not necessarily dominant towards others at all). Me? I’m very dependent but I have the independence in me that just wants to jump out…and I know a spanking relationship will help with that tremendously, but that submissive part of me will ALWAYS be there in that relationship. I thrive on it, it seems.

The greatest feeling may arise from the sub’s feeling at the end of it all…the feeling of absolute relief and forgiveness within herself and possibly the other party. The Dom has to get an amazing feeling from this…to realize that she has just given him her complete trust and obeyed him to the best of her ability and received that release that she so very much needed…because of him. I can’t imagine such a feeling as I’ve obviously never been on that side. All I know is that the hugs and cuddling (even with a very sore bottom) and even tears, I’d imagine, afterwards, is amazing.

I’d like to know what that feels like…not by experiencing it per say but if someone could give me some insight into it that would be great. For instance, in the terms of spanking, whenever the sub is over your lap and she’s gotten to the point to where she can’t help but put her hands back to stop the unforgiving smacks…how do you find that strength in yourself to keep going knowing full and well that you are hurting her so much at that point in time? Or does it even take anything for you to do that…is it easy?

Oh! Also, how do Dom’s manage to learn a sub by their body language? How do you know when to go harder or lighter, or faster or slower? I don’t see how this could be easy at all…but some seem to be so good at it, even the very first time. I can almost always tell what I’m wanting, but let’s face it sometimes we lie with our behavior on the outside…no matter how much we truly want it in our heart. Okay, oftentimes it’s more than that.

Lots of questions and this also seemed to be a very chopped-up and non-artistic entry, I apologize… 

The Art of Submission

In my younger  years I was certainly not submissive, I was just a spoiled brat plain and simple. My submissive side began to thrive, strangely enough, after my trip to Europe when I was 16. THAT is when I began to gain my independence and THAT is when all of my submissive tendencies started to come out. Weird.

 Anyways, some of the first traits I noticed were things like looking down, holding my hands behind my back in various positions, and being more meek when somebody (be a friend, whoever) would talk to me in a serious context. Now, my bratty side has been shining through all of my life but I also began to understand that part of me around the same age. It is actually quite amusing to me how quickly I realized what I wanted out of life after my friend showed me that website. EVERYTHING just clicked all at once--that part of my mind just opened up--and the feelings that overcame me were amazing. I hated hiding them. The best part--I ALREADY, before the age of 18, knew what I needed to fix my problems in my life. I just couldn't find it. That is that part that kills me, still to this day. It's like I can't move on with my life without it. I could go on and give you my entire story, experiences, etc. but I'll hold off on that. 

The point of this post is to explain why I think being a submissive (from the female perspective) is such a beautiful thing. What many Dominants fail to understand (or perhaps admit) is that they really don't have all the power. The submissive has to ALLOW the Dominant to acquire and use that power on her.  So strangely enough the submissive at some point has all of the power. The true art begins, IMHO, once she freely (and happily) gives away all of the control to him...

This is SUCH a powerful feeling...it never fails to amaze me each and every time I do it (be it in person, on the phone, or just simply in my head). I wish that everyone could experience that at least once. It's something akin to sub-space. I have an amazing ability to do just that and I love every second of it (even if I say that I do not ;-) ). It's difficult for me to give that power to another person, so once I find someone and trust them enough to do it for...quite a feat I must say. I live for the day when I can be with the man that I can give up absolute and total control to, forever (mind you, this is not anything like slavery!!). 

Do you know how difficult it is to first: realize that you have flaws, second: realize that you need to fix them, third: realize that you know exactly how you can fix them, fourth: realize the ways you need to fix them are extremely painful and abnormal (according to society), fifth: realize that is the ONLY thing that works for you, sixth: realize that it is going to be incredibly painstakingly hard to find, seventh: FINALLY find it (working on this part) and make it work...??

Holy Geez, that's one HUGE art project!!!!! haha...yeah, I crack myself up. I suppose that I should be glad I became aware of this part of me at such a young age. 

When I do find that perfect partner for me I will give him all of my trust and submit to him completely because, of course, by that point I will be sure of myself in this relationship. I can not wait for that moment! I can imagine that will be the most powerful feeling I've ever experienced because it will hopefully be a "forever" commitment...to the same man. I'll be to a point where I trust him so much that I will know he will know what is best for me and would never truly harm me. I will be wanted, loved and cherished and for that he will receive ALL of me, I will submit completely, and he will be my helping hand along our journey together. :)

I would imagine, for the Top, the best feeling is to have that complete trust freely given to him. Am I right? Or is it something else? 

To be continued...

Picture Blog!!

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Chemistry

Key Question: *Is it difficult for you to find a spanker with similar interests and chemistry as your own or is it difficult for a spanker to find a spankee with similar interests and chemistry as your own?*

I have often found that it is very difficult to find a spanker that matches my personality. There have been many that came SO close...but no cigar. I have found a few that matched me online but once I met them the chemistry just wasn't there which was a huge letdown for me. I'd imagine it was the same feeling for them. That's why I have doubts about online dating working. I must admit though that I have a very good friend whom none of you know, James. He met Jenn (and now she's a good friend) online at www.faithbase.net and she moved here from New York City. They just got engaged and they seem to be incredibly happy. I had my doubts and I'm usually right about those things, but they got me this time. They're moving away to Colorodo Sunday. *sigh* I'll miss them. My best friend Chastin, and her husband Chad met on www.match.com and obviously they got married...so...

Anyways, I think I got a tad bit off subject there and apparently advertised for a couple sites, I should get paid, haha. I apologize for that. Where was I? Oh. Online dating works for some. I don't believe it works for many. It's going to have to work for me or I'll never get married. The only way I'll be truly completely happy is with spanking and Arkansas seems to be sparce with spankers...let me rephrase that...Arkansas seems to be sparce with sane spankers.

Now, as I've said I have met some guys online that I felt a lot of chemistry for. The horrible part is when you realize they don't feel the same thing for you. It's very disheartening. Honestly, I've had a few people (non-spankos) around my area ask me out on dates. I just couldn't do it. Been there, done that. Dated someone, and once I found myself I told him I was a spanko...he tried it and there just came a point to where he couldn't do it anymore. We were engaged. 5 years. I feel bad for him because he really did try...things just slowly fell apart after that and I blame myself for everything, even if it wasn't intentional. So, my new avenue is meeting spankos first, getting to know a little about them first, then getting to know their exact interests in spanking, then getting to know about their lives and interests more in depth.

Sometimes I think I'm too picky. Think so?

Taking Pictures and Self-Esteem

Some of these questions are going to be directed at spankees and some of these will be directed at Spankers...I'm sorry that they are a bit vague...but I'm very interested in all of your takes on these...questions are in bold.

Does taking pictures of yourself make you feel sexy or does it make you feel less confident? Does it make you happy when your spanker asks you to take a picture of yourself in his favorite position, or does it make you feel humiliated?

Now I will explain the way taking pictures of myself makes me feel. I've always found it hard to make myself do it...I mean, I suppose that it is most likely my low self-confidence beaming in. When a friend or a spanker asks me to take a photo...I tend to close up and get very nervous and shy...because frankly I don't want to do it. Once in a great while I do get the spontaneous feeling to take random pictures, though very rarely. I often wonder why so many guys want pictures of my bottom or of me in various spanking positions...any explanations for me, Tops? What is it about these pictures that make you happy? Is it that the spankee is ready and willing to do it for you? Does it bother you when they won't do it for you? (I have run across MANY spankers that get aggrivated when I won't take pictures for them, and then they suddenly stop talking to me...same goes with webcam).

I honestly don't think, for me, that it has anything to do with me not trusting someone enough. For example, I actually have a very good friend who has come down to spank me from far away...and even when he asks for pictures it makes me feel down on myself. I really WANT to do it for him, but my mind instanly goes into the "I'm not sexy enough" mode. I trust him completely and he has seen and spanked the hell out of my bare bottom more than once. So, what is my freaking problem? Will I EVER get over this?

I'm sure I've left so many things out, so if any of you would like to elaborate further or add more questions and answers, please do!

Thank you all for taking the time to read this. It is MUCH appreciated. You are all helping me to learn and grow so much already!! :-)

Yours,
*Kimmie*