It's a long process...

To start off...this song reminds me of how I've been feeling lately. I'll get over it though, it's not how I always feel. I HAVE to learn how to talk about those feelings that I so often hide.

"You hide the shame that you're not showing and you won't let anyone in, a crowded street can be a quiet place when you're walking alone and now you think that you're the only one who doesn't have to try, and you won't have to fail, if you're afraid to fight then I guess you never will. You hide behind your walls of maybe nevers, forgetting that there's something more than just knowing better, your mistakes do not define you now, to tell you who you're not, you've got to live this life you're given like it's the only one you've got, memories have left you broken and the scars have never healed, the emptiness in you is growing with so little left to feel, you're scared to look back on the days before and too tired to move on...if you're afraid to fight then I guess you never will..."

This post may very well be redundant, but oh well, it just happened to be on my mind tonight.

When it comes to DD, the way you go about the discipline process, from beginning to end, is of utmost importance. Well, it is for me anyway. If one thing is done wrong it can ruin the entire lesson being taught. This has to put tremendous pressure on the spanker, the spankee...not so much. Hell, all she has to do is lay there and take it...not that it's easy, mind you, but you know what I mean. Hah. For me, I know exactly how I want it all to go from start to finish. I know what works for me. However, that doesn't mean that I'm able to be completely open and honest with my spanker freely. If he were to ask me straight up then I wouldn't have as difficult of a time doing so. That also doesn't mean that I'm not flexible and willing to learn other things that might work for me. I'm always willing to learn.

In short, I prefer the spanker to be more "fatherly," for lack of a better word, in his acts. I want him to be caring and understanding, yet stern and thorough. I don't want him to give in and let me out of anything. Afterall, I deserve what I've earned plain and simple. Now...if I've done something particularly bad, then things change a bit in my mind. I would love to think that there would never be a time when I felt no remorse for my actions. I would also love to believe that I were perfect, but we all know that simply is not true. If there were ever a time when I didn't care about my doing something stupid, then I would expect (although probably not so much at the time) my partner to immediately take care of it. I'd imagine he would be very to-the-point and harsh (again, I suck at vocabulary so that may not be the right word that I'm looking for). The caring and forgiveness would probably have to wait until afterwards. Sometimes it just takes a LOT to get through to the spankee. Yes, even with me...more so than I'd like...but that can always change. That brings a question to mind...what do you do, as a spanker, if the spankee gets very out of control when you try to spank her for a major offence, and she just won't have any part of it?? What if she threatens you, even if she didn't really mean the threat, because she wasn't in a rational state of mind? Okay, that wasn't so short afterall...

Here are some more questions for whoever reads this...

When you are punishing a spankee, how do you prefer speak to them? Are you stern and harsh? Or do you show some type of fatherly characteristics, such as still using “pet names” and being caring and understanding yet still stern at the same time? Do you gently grab their chin to get them to look you in the eyes? Do you help them by guiding them over your knee or do you make them do it themselves (along with lowering pants and panties)? After the punishment is over, do you hold them and let them cry on your shoulder if needed? Do you comfort and hug them and let them know that all is forgiven and it will be alright? Are your reasonings for these answers because of your fantasies or because of what you think is best for her or something else?

On another topic...I was talking to a friend the other night and I was feeling down about the lifestyle that I so yearn to live. I told him how my ex-fiance thought it was "weird," which I immediately took as him meaning that I was weird. It took me over 2 years to gather up the courage to tell him...in a letter, at that...about this. It REALLY hurt when he said that, but I have to give him the credit for trying...he did try to help me. I learned a very important lesson, and I guess I knew it all along, that you can't force this lifestyle on anyone. Although it still amazes me how someone that didn't grow up wanting this, such as someone that was introduced to this through a prior relationship, can be as passionate about it as I am (maybe that's just because Justin didn't turn into a spanko). *shrugs* Maybe I'll just never understand.

Anyways, back to the friend I was talking to about feeling weird about the lifestyle. He doesn't think I'm weird for it, but he does see how others might see it as that way. I guess I do too but it still hurts tremendously. Hell, he will even spank me if I really need it, because he knows that I'll hurt myself physically if I get to that point of no return (although it's not easy for me to ask him, so I rarely do). He may not be into the lifestyle but he sure does care about his friends. I guess that's why he's one of my best friends. He doesn't judge me but he's very honest with me on his opinions about things. It means a lot that my two best friends support (not to mention, trust) me in the lifestyle I want and ultimately will support me with the person that I choose to be my partner for life. I'm not one to quickly let people inside my heart...to see the real Kimmie (and that's who I truly am, my personality). Not that I'm dishonest with them, I just don't always openly reveal the most intimate aspects of myself to them straight away. You're a very important person to me when I do decide to open my heart to you. Then...you better not break it. I don't know that I'll ever feel comfortable with who I am and what I believe, but I sure hope that my future partner will help me with that. Maybe one day I won't feel like I'm "weird," and maybe one day I'll finally get his damned voice out of my head saying..."It's just weird."

On a final note, since it is Halloween, what are some of your favorite costumes to celebrate the event? I won't be celebrating but I'm still curious...