Save me from this disease.

"I've been sleeping for a thousand years, it seems. Got to open my eyes to everything." -Evanescence-

"I tried to save myself but myself keeps slipping away." -Nine Inch Nails-

Most of my life I've been studying Psychology and I'm not stupid in that area. I may not know names and dates very well but I know what it's all about. Now, why do I have so much trouble applying what I've learned to my own life? I don't know, but I do.

I am diagnosed with Bipolar disorder and Panic disorder as primaries. I won't mention the others, because it's all pointless. I experience extreme highs and lows at any given time. There is no real time frame. I can always feel the mood swings coming on, and that is one of the scariest feeling in the world to me because I have yet to find a way to halt them. I've had this disease for a very long time. This causes a serious strain on the people in my life and in potential relationships. I feel an overwhelming amount of guilt and anger over it. The anger is towards myself, the guilt is towards myself and others involved. I'm not very good at dealing with things on my own, though I'm better than I used to be. I have been in a Manic phase for a couple of weeks now, staying up long hours and sleeping very little and I've been mostly happy. Just yesterday I hit my Depressive stage. Anyways, I'm sure (hopeful) that it would be a lot different if I had somebody there, physically with me.

Right now, I'm seriously worrying about something in particular but I don't feel like going into detail about it on here because it involves somebody else. I want to get better more than anything in this world, but I don't want to cause others distress because of my countless number of issues.

I need to eat right now, but I also have a problem with eating when my anxiety and depression is this high. It isn't a "I don't deserve to eat," thing. It's an "I'm going to throw up if I eat," thing. The symptoms of panic and anxiety are not pretty.

I want to say so much more because there are so many thoughts running through my head right now but I just don't know how to say what I want to...so...

Thanks for reading,

*Kimmie*

Honesty,Trust and Communication. I'm ready!

Honesty, trust and communication have always been incredibly important to me. Not to say that I'm a complete angel and have never told a lie but overall I am proud of how honest I am. In general, with me, if I do lie...it's obvious, or I eventually come out and admit it because I also tend to feel tremendous guilt even with little lies. I admittedly pride myself on my honesty and trustworthiness.

There is someone that I have recently met that seems to have a wonderful way of understanding these three things. He treats me like a human being and not a slave. Not that there is anything wrong with that if you are into it, but it's not what I want. I have plenty of friends that treat me this way (as a 'normal' person) as well and I am very thankful for that. This guy hasn't known me long, but the communication has been consistent and lengthy about a wide variety of things, not just talking about TTWD. He seems (and I use the word "seems" because I haven't met him yet) patient, caring, honest, trusting, firm when he needs to be, and incredibly FAIR.

I'm scared because I have a good feeling about this. I know, that sounds strange...but I've gotten my hopes up before and been let down again and again. This seems different somehow. I don't know how to explain it. It feels right but I don't trust my feelings all that much anymore. I'm learning to balance the mind and the heart.

I'm ready to be happy. I'm ready to live my life. I'm ready to be with 'him,' whoever he may be. I'm ready to do whatever it takes to become who I want to be so that I can achieve my dreams of helping others.

Most importantly, I AM PROUD OF MYSELF! I'm getting there.

*Kimmie*

Nevermind.

I hate that when things just start looking up in life, everything comes crashing down. That is all.

*Kimmie*

*Please don't go, I want you to stay*

Okay, so I have a problem and in my crazy mind this is a huge problem. This post will probably be pretty disorganized because my mind is running rampant.

I recently met a guy that seems so amazingly perfect for me. Apparently there were some communication problems and I guess he thought that we were supposed to be in a relationship or something? I really don't know.

Here's the thing. I'm currently in a state of extreme non well-being (yeah, that's probably not the best way to put it but you know what I mean). I need help getting my ass back in gear. I absolutely HAVE to finish this final college course that I'm working on and I have not been able to achieve this on my own. I know, I shouldn't have to use other methods to get things done but that is how I feel it needs to happen right now. I have a very good friend that I trust very much that I have been seeing in order to get some spanking action in. He is just a friend. I believe that if I decided to go towards the discipline aspect of things for my problem, he would be more than willing to help and I would trust him to do this.

Now, here's the BIG issue. The new guy that I'm interested in being in a relationship with is living far away at the moment and will not be moving here for 6 months. He says there are other ways we can go about helping me with this problem (with talking it through and self-spanking). Now, that has NEVER really worked well with me before. I've been thinking about it and I just do NOT think this will work. I need real time discipline for what I'm going through because this is a highly pressing issue (the school work) that needs to get done NOW (and my dumb ass can't do it by myself!). A lot of my problem is self-confidence issues as well. There's a lot to it but I won't go into that.

The new guy wants me to not see or get spanked by anybody at all until he gets here. Now, in my head I'm thinking..."but what if the relationship doesn't work out?" "what if I end up not receiving my diploma because of this?," "what if he is just another liar," etc.

I REALLY REALLY REALLY want to try to make it work with this guy but we've only just met, and I've been hurt before. I guess I'm at that point where I am ready to settle down. Which in another way sucks, because I've been interested in others before and such. But he'll be living here in 6 months.

If I tell this new guy how I feel honestly and he doesn't accept it, then I lose the chance of the possibility with him forever.

I don't know what to say anymore, I don't know what to do. I'm so sick over this.

*Kimmie*

Counselor Visit

So, I went to visit my counselor the other day and finally...after 2 years...confessed to her about my "kink." A good friend of mine helped me gather up the courage to let her in on my dirty little secrets. So, thank you (you know who you are ;-)) You may not be surprised to find out that she wasn't at all surprised that that was my "thing," because of my struggle with cutting.

She told me that it wasn't at all abnormal to be into spanking, even the disciplinary side of it. She even gave me examples, without mentioning names, of people that had the same cravings as I! I thought this was just great!! I mean, not at ALL the response I was expecting to get out of her! She even encouraged me to go to local spanking group play meetings. I told her of my fear of ending up with someone who was truly abusive and we went over safety tips. Of course, I already had been using all of them (safe words, safety calls, etc.) except for the fact that I have never met with any local group. I've always been too afraid/self-conscious...due to my overwhelming anxiety and all that other junk. I'm thinking I will start slowly by meeting a few people at a time. I already am in correspondence with one couple in Little Rock and I am excited about meeting them in the semi-near future. She also told me not to try to "get rid" of this side of me because it will never go away. I've tried this many times in the past and it definitely never went away. And, so...I'm embracing it! Carefully.

However, it worries me that maybe she only said these things because she was afraid of what I might do if she had shown me disapproval. But, I hardly think that she would have spoken so in depth with me about it...and known so much about it...if that were the case. *shrugs* I don't know.

The main point of this post is that my counselor told me to try not to dabble too far into the BDSM aspect. The session ended, so we didn't get any further. Why would she warn me of this?

Thanks for reading,

*Kimmie* :)

Things that hold me back.

I miss being spanked, A LOT. It drives me absolutely insane some days. I'm tired of my lack of self-esteem holding me back. I'm tired of feeling too fat. Even though I'm really not that overweight, but compared to all of the spanking models out there, I really am. I want to lose a little weight to feel healthier and better about myself. I have access to a treadmill. Now, the question is, what is the best exercise regiment to go about doing this? Are there any tips or tricks that anyone could give me? I know, I know, walk. You know what I mean. Help? Please? I'm totally new at this.

*Kimmie*

Shall I try this again?

Well, maybe I shall try this blog once again. I need to discover more of myself. We'll see. We'll see.

*Kimmie*