What you don't want to know about Kimmie ;-)

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Hot Springs, AR, United States
I'm engaged to the love of my life and we both just happen to be spankos. I met him on Fetlife and have been with him since August 5, 2010. Spankings are a pretty regular thing for me these days! We've made a few videos which are available on Spankingtube. We enjoyed making them and we hope to make more someday! Anyhow, I love being spanked (well, sometimes I don't...depends on why I'm getting spanked)!! I am a Senior Psychology major and plan to get my Master's Degree someday! I also love to write short stories and poetry. Dance in the rain. Listen to music, Play around on the internet, Blog, and most importantly, have fun! kinkylynxproductions@gmail.com

Saturday, July 31, 2010

Save me from this disease.

"I've been sleeping for a thousand years, it seems. Got to open my eyes to everything." -Evanescence-

"I tried to save myself but myself keeps slipping away." -Nine Inch Nails-

Most of my life I've been studying Psychology and I'm not stupid in that area. I may not know names and dates very well but I know what it's all about. Now, why do I have so much trouble applying what I've learned to my own life? I don't know, but I do.

I am diagnosed with Bipolar disorder and Panic disorder as primaries. I won't mention the others, because it's all pointless. I experience extreme highs and lows at any given time. There is no real time frame. I can always feel the mood swings coming on, and that is one of the scariest feeling in the world to me because I have yet to find a way to halt them. I've had this disease for a very long time. This causes a serious strain on the people in my life and in potential relationships. I feel an overwhelming amount of guilt and anger over it. The anger is towards myself, the guilt is towards myself and others involved. I'm not very good at dealing with things on my own, though I'm better than I used to be. I have been in a Manic phase for a couple of weeks now, staying up long hours and sleeping very little and I've been mostly happy. Just yesterday I hit my Depressive stage. Anyways, I'm sure (hopeful) that it would be a lot different if I had somebody there, physically with me.

Right now, I'm seriously worrying about something in particular but I don't feel like going into detail about it on here because it involves somebody else. I want to get better more than anything in this world, but I don't want to cause others distress because of my countless number of issues.

I need to eat right now, but I also have a problem with eating when my anxiety and depression is this high. It isn't a "I don't deserve to eat," thing. It's an "I'm going to throw up if I eat," thing. The symptoms of panic and anxiety are not pretty.

I want to say so much more because there are so many thoughts running through my head right now but I just don't know how to say what I want to...so...

Thanks for reading,



Bonnie said...

Hi Kimmie,

I'm sorry to hear that life is difficult now. The challenges you describe seem like one of those interlocking puzzles. Your illness makes it difficult to maintain stable relationships. And yet, that is precisely what would provide the emotional bedrock you need.

Is medication an option, at least to break out of this cycle?

In any case, I hope you will soon be able to get back to what's really important.


Kimmie said...

Hey Bonnie:

Life is challenging right now but I guess that's part of what life is all about. It does make relationships very difficult, especially in the beginning because the guy tends to run off before I've been given enough of a chance. That's why I'm always honest from the get-go.

I am on medication...too much of it. It hasn't really helped, only makes me feel half-dead. I'm working on receiving more regular counseling though, which looks promising! :)

Thank you for your thoughts, Bonnie. :)