Rules.

My boyfriend and I have come up with a set of rules for me and they are listed below. I came up with #'s 2 and 3 and he was insistent on #1 as it does hold me back and lowers my confidence. So far, I've been good (aside from one negative statement, thank goodness for verbal warnings!) and managed to do everything well this week. I think this is very fair and could help me a lot.

Rules:

*Week starts of Monday and ends on Sunday.

1.) No negative statements. Only to be punished if continued past a verbal warning.
2.) Exercise: 3 times a week minimum. Walking 30 minutes a day minimum. Weather permitting.
3.) At least 3 blogs a week regarding what's been going through my mind. Not all to be done on the same day.

*Punishments are to be done on Monday nights or Tuesday mornings. Rules to be examined on Wednesdays.

I must admit that it makes me a bit nervous as I've never been truly punished by him but hopefully I won't ever need to be. This provides me great motivation, not just the fear of consequences but him being there for me also gives me a sense of security. He only wants to help me with what I agree that I need help with...things that are holding me back...things that I've wanted to work on for a long time. The blog rule is simply because I have anxiety and it's a means to get some of those things off of my chest, plus writing (most topics) has always helped to calm me.

Something that has been causing anxiety, of course, is the fear of punishment. I know that he does not ever wish to punish me but that he will if need be. I also know that he will push me past my limit and it wouldn't be pleasurable at all.

I have heard a lot of people say that spankos can't ever be truly punished using a spanking but I think that I disagree. What are your thoughts on this? Do you think punishment spankings work or do you think that it needs to be done in other ways? If so, what ways?

Thanks for reading,
*Kimmie*

Spanking Tube and FetLife

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Changes.

Hello all. I'm back! Life has changed so much for me and I've never been happier. In August, I met the most amazing guy and we now live together. He loves me for who I am and doesn't try to change me. Yet he is also so very supportive of me in the things I want to achieve in life and the things that I want to change. His family is absolutely wonderful. I love and adore his children and they love me back! Really, I couldn't ask for anything more. I'm truly happy.

Oh, and of course, as a nice plus...he's a fantastic spanker. In fact, we've recently starting making and posting videos of my spankings. Spankings that I have very much enjoyed! There are some things that are causing some anxiety with me but that's really a good thing. I will add more on that in a later post.

I just wanted to let everyone know that I'm doing very well right now and couldn't be happier. Alright, now I'm off to dear sweet dream-land.

Save me from this disease.

"I've been sleeping for a thousand years, it seems. Got to open my eyes to everything." -Evanescence-

"I tried to save myself but myself keeps slipping away." -Nine Inch Nails-

Most of my life I've been studying Psychology and I'm not stupid in that area. I may not know names and dates very well but I know what it's all about. Now, why do I have so much trouble applying what I've learned to my own life? I don't know, but I do.

I am diagnosed with Bipolar disorder and Panic disorder as primaries. I won't mention the others, because it's all pointless. I experience extreme highs and lows at any given time. There is no real time frame. I can always feel the mood swings coming on, and that is one of the scariest feeling in the world to me because I have yet to find a way to halt them. I've had this disease for a very long time. This causes a serious strain on the people in my life and in potential relationships. I feel an overwhelming amount of guilt and anger over it. The anger is towards myself, the guilt is towards myself and others involved. I'm not very good at dealing with things on my own, though I'm better than I used to be. I have been in a Manic phase for a couple of weeks now, staying up long hours and sleeping very little and I've been mostly happy. Just yesterday I hit my Depressive stage. Anyways, I'm sure (hopeful) that it would be a lot different if I had somebody there, physically with me.

Right now, I'm seriously worrying about something in particular but I don't feel like going into detail about it on here because it involves somebody else. I want to get better more than anything in this world, but I don't want to cause others distress because of my countless number of issues.

I need to eat right now, but I also have a problem with eating when my anxiety and depression is this high. It isn't a "I don't deserve to eat," thing. It's an "I'm going to throw up if I eat," thing. The symptoms of panic and anxiety are not pretty.

I want to say so much more because there are so many thoughts running through my head right now but I just don't know how to say what I want to...so...

Thanks for reading,

*Kimmie*

Honesty,Trust and Communication. I'm ready!

Honesty, trust and communication have always been incredibly important to me. Not to say that I'm a complete angel and have never told a lie but overall I am proud of how honest I am. In general, with me, if I do lie...it's obvious, or I eventually come out and admit it because I also tend to feel tremendous guilt even with little lies. I admittedly pride myself on my honesty and trustworthiness.

There is someone that I have recently met that seems to have a wonderful way of understanding these three things. He treats me like a human being and not a slave. Not that there is anything wrong with that if you are into it, but it's not what I want. I have plenty of friends that treat me this way (as a 'normal' person) as well and I am very thankful for that. This guy hasn't known me long, but the communication has been consistent and lengthy about a wide variety of things, not just talking about TTWD. He seems (and I use the word "seems" because I haven't met him yet) patient, caring, honest, trusting, firm when he needs to be, and incredibly FAIR.

I'm scared because I have a good feeling about this. I know, that sounds strange...but I've gotten my hopes up before and been let down again and again. This seems different somehow. I don't know how to explain it. It feels right but I don't trust my feelings all that much anymore. I'm learning to balance the mind and the heart.

I'm ready to be happy. I'm ready to live my life. I'm ready to be with 'him,' whoever he may be. I'm ready to do whatever it takes to become who I want to be so that I can achieve my dreams of helping others.

Most importantly, I AM PROUD OF MYSELF! I'm getting there.

*Kimmie*