Negativity

I've always been a pretty negative person but I go to the extreme on occasion. It's like I can't stop the script in my head and I'm hoping that can change. I've already seen quite a bit of improvement by just being around people that love me for who I am. This helps me realize that maybe I'm not such a bad person after all. Still though, I go through these rough spots. For the past couple of days I have been feeling/being extremely down on myself and I can't shake it. Every time I see myself, I look away. I can't stand the way that I look physically and I don't like the weakness inside of me. I am working on exercising more to help the former problem but I having a feeling the latter will be significantly more difficult to overcome. That one has been with me since I was very young.

The other day I called myself fat/ugly and my boyfriend (who will hereafter be called M) didn't like it and neither did I but I just couldn't stop the script running through my head. Honestly, I just wanted to cry. I hate that it hurts M when I am down on myself and I hate it that it hurts me. I wish that I could stop. I wish that I could just be this cheerful, optimistic person that everyone loves. I just never feel that I am good enough for anything or anyone.

Maybe over time and with some help this negativity will cease to exist. We'll see.

Thanks for reading,
*Kimmie*

Rules.

My boyfriend and I have come up with a set of rules for me and they are listed below. I came up with #'s 2 and 3 and he was insistent on #1 as it does hold me back and lowers my confidence. So far, I've been good (aside from one negative statement, thank goodness for verbal warnings!) and managed to do everything well this week. I think this is very fair and could help me a lot.

Rules:

*Week starts of Monday and ends on Sunday.

1.) No negative statements. Only to be punished if continued past a verbal warning.
2.) Exercise: 3 times a week minimum. Walking 30 minutes a day minimum. Weather permitting.
3.) At least 3 blogs a week regarding what's been going through my mind. Not all to be done on the same day.

*Punishments are to be done on Monday nights or Tuesday mornings. Rules to be examined on Wednesdays.

I must admit that it makes me a bit nervous as I've never been truly punished by him but hopefully I won't ever need to be. This provides me great motivation, not just the fear of consequences but him being there for me also gives me a sense of security. He only wants to help me with what I agree that I need help with...things that are holding me back...things that I've wanted to work on for a long time. The blog rule is simply because I have anxiety and it's a means to get some of those things off of my chest, plus writing (most topics) has always helped to calm me.

Something that has been causing anxiety, of course, is the fear of punishment. I know that he does not ever wish to punish me but that he will if need be. I also know that he will push me past my limit and it wouldn't be pleasurable at all.

I have heard a lot of people say that spankos can't ever be truly punished using a spanking but I think that I disagree. What are your thoughts on this? Do you think punishment spankings work or do you think that it needs to be done in other ways? If so, what ways?

Thanks for reading,
*Kimmie*

Spanking Tube and FetLife

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Changes.

Hello all. I'm back! Life has changed so much for me and I've never been happier. In August, I met the most amazing guy and we now live together. He loves me for who I am and doesn't try to change me. Yet he is also so very supportive of me in the things I want to achieve in life and the things that I want to change. His family is absolutely wonderful. I love and adore his children and they love me back! Really, I couldn't ask for anything more. I'm truly happy.

Oh, and of course, as a nice plus...he's a fantastic spanker. In fact, we've recently starting making and posting videos of my spankings. Spankings that I have very much enjoyed! There are some things that are causing some anxiety with me but that's really a good thing. I will add more on that in a later post.

I just wanted to let everyone know that I'm doing very well right now and couldn't be happier. Alright, now I'm off to dear sweet dream-land.