Kimmie'z Universe

Screams of an emotionally disturbed girl.

2011-07-12T01:20:00.001-05:00

I just want to let it all out, scream it all out, bleed it all out. I just want you to feel what I feel, see what I see, hear the awful things that I do. I do...

Normalcy is a dream of mine but it's one step forward and ten steps back...ten huge steps! Strength is welcomed, please come to me, I beg you. I don't want to regret my entire life...

Google+

2011-07-09T23:06:00.001-05:00

Anybody want an invite to Google+? Leave me your email address and I'll send you an invite :)

Missing you!

2011-07-08T02:05:00.002-05:00

Just a quick hello to all of you. M and I are doing well and I miss this blog and all of you dearly. I hope to start posting more often...well, more often than not at all. :P Hope everyone has been having a spanking good time! Looove to all!

Control Issues

2011-01-22T12:06:00.002-06:00

My fiance (Oh, yes! I'm engaged!) has brought to my attention that I have a major issue with control. I try to control anything and everything around me. I always knew I did...but it didn't truly hit me until he sat me down and told me. I get very upset and moody when I can't control a situation. I think this is the reason I get angry sometimes when I'm being spanked, even when I want to be spanked! It's ridiculous, yet I still can't completely just let go. When receiving a spanking it always seems to go from anger (from the fact that I feel like I can not take the pain so I get angry at myself and take it out on others sometimes...) to laughing when the endorphins kick in. It has been pointed out to me that it can be quite distracting in videos. I need to find a way to overcome this. Anyways, I'm a bit distracted at the moment so I'll be back later, perhaps.

Love to all!

*Kimmie*

Negativity

2010-11-24T13:18:00.003-06:00

I've always been a pretty negative person but I go to the extreme on occasion. It's like I can't stop the script in my head and I'm hoping that can change. I've already seen quite a bit of improvement by just being around people that love me for who I am. This helps me realize that maybe I'm not such a bad person after all. Still though, I go through these rough spots. For the past couple of days I have been feeling/being extremely down on myself and I can't shake it. Every time I see myself, I look away. I can't stand the way that I look physically and I don't like the weakness inside of me. I am working on exercising more to help the former problem but I having a feeling the latter will be significantly more difficult to overcome. That one has been with me since I was very young.

The other day I called myself fat/ugly and my boyfriend (who will hereafter be called M) didn't like it and neither did I but I just couldn't stop the script running through my head. Honestly, I just wanted to cry. I hate that it hurts M when I am down on myself and I hate it that it hurts me. I wish that I could stop. I wish that I could just be this cheerful, optimistic person that everyone loves. I just never feel that I am good enough for anything or anyone.

Maybe over time and with some help this negativity will cease to exist. We'll see.

Thanks for reading,
*Kimmie*

Rules.

2010-11-22T07:22:00.003-06:00

My boyfriend and I have come up with a set of rules for me and they are listed below. I came up with #'s 2 and 3 and he was insistent on #1 as it does hold me back and lowers my confidence. So far, I've been good (aside from one negative statement, thank goodness for verbal warnings!) and managed to do everything well this week. I think this is very fair and could help me a lot.

Rules:

*Week starts of Monday and ends on Sunday.

1.) No negative statements. Only to be punished if continued past a verbal warning.
2.) Exercise: 3 times a week minimum. Walking 30 minutes a day minimum. Weather permitting.
3.) At least 3 blogs a week regarding what's been going through my mind. Not all to be done on the same day.

*Punishments are to be done on Monday nights or Tuesday mornings. Rules to be examined on Wednesdays.

I must admit that it makes me a bit nervous as I've never been truly punished by him but hopefully I won't ever need to be. This provides me great motivation, not just the fear of consequences but him being there for me also gives me a sense of security. He only wants to help me with what I agree that I need help with...things that are holding me back...things that I've wanted to work on for a long time. The blog rule is simply because I have anxiety and it's a means to get some of those things off of my chest, plus writing (most topics) has always helped to calm me.

Something that has been causing anxiety, of course, is the fear of punishment. I know that he does not ever wish to punish me but that he will if need be. I also know that he will push me past my limit and it wouldn't be pleasurable at all.

I have heard a lot of people say that spankos can't ever be truly punished using a spanking but I think that I disagree. What are your thoughts on this? Do you think punishment spankings work or do you think that it needs to be done in other ways? If so, what ways?

Thanks for reading,
*Kimmie*

Spanking Tube and FetLife

2010-11-20T20:34:00.002-06:00

My boyfriend and I have started posting spanking videos on www.spankingtube.com and www.fetlife.com My Spanking Tube link is http://www.spankingtube.com/kamokittie and my FetLife link is http://fetlife.com/users/136068 just in case any of you are interested. :)

Changes.

2010-11-19T20:11:00.005-06:00

Hello all. I'm back! Life has changed so much for me and I've never been happier. In August, I met the most amazing guy and we now live together. He loves me for who I am and doesn't try to change me. Yet he is also so very supportive of me in the things I want to achieve in life and the things that I want to change. His family is absolutely wonderful. I love and adore his children and they love me back! Really, I couldn't ask for anything more. I'm truly happy.

Oh, and of course, as a nice plus...he's a fantastic spanker. In fact, we've recently starting making and posting videos of my spankings. Spankings that I have very much enjoyed! There are some things that are causing some anxiety with me but that's really a good thing. I will add more on that in a later post.

I just wanted to let everyone know that I'm doing very well right now and couldn't be happier. Alright, now I'm off to dear sweet dream-land.

Save me from this disease.

2010-07-31T04:17:00.003-05:00

"I've been sleeping for a thousand years, it seems. Got to open my eyes to everything." -Evanescence-

"I tried to save myself but myself keeps slipping away." -Nine Inch Nails-

Most of my life I've been studying Psychology and I'm not stupid in that area. I may not know names and dates very well but I know what it's all about. Now, why do I have so much trouble applying what I've learned to my own life? I don't know, but I do.

I am diagnosed with Bipolar disorder and Panic disorder as primaries. I won't mention the others, because it's all pointless. I experience extreme highs and lows at any given time. There is no real time frame. I can always feel the mood swings coming on, and that is one of the scariest feeling in the world to me because I have yet to find a way to halt them. I've had this disease for a very long time. This causes a serious strain on the people in my life and in potential relationships. I feel an overwhelming amount of guilt and anger over it. The anger is towards myself, the guilt is towards myself and others involved. I'm not very good at dealing with things on my own, though I'm better than I used to be. I have been in a Manic phase for a couple of weeks now, staying up long hours and sleeping very little and I've been mostly happy. Just yesterday I hit my Depressive stage. Anyways, I'm sure (hopeful) that it would be a lot different if I had somebody there, physically with me.

Right now, I'm seriously worrying about something in particular but I don't feel like going into detail about it on here because it involves somebody else. I want to get better more than anything in this world, but I don't want to cause others distress because of my countless number of issues.

I need to eat right now, but I also have a problem with eating when my anxiety and depression is this high. It isn't a "I don't deserve to eat," thing. It's an "I'm going to throw up if I eat," thing. The symptoms of panic and anxiety are not pretty.

I want to say so much more because there are so many thoughts running through my head right now but I just don't know how to say what I want to...so...

Thanks for reading,

*Kimmie*

Honesty,Trust and Communication. I'm ready!

2010-07-30T02:34:00.004-05:00

Honesty, trust and communication have always been incredibly important to me. Not to say that I'm a complete angel and have never told a lie but overall I am proud of how honest I am. In general, with me, if I do lie...it's obvious, or I eventually come out and admit it because I also tend to feel tremendous guilt even with little lies. I admittedly pride myself on my honesty and trustworthiness.

There is someone that I have recently met that seems to have a wonderful way of understanding these three things. He treats me like a human being and not a slave. Not that there is anything wrong with that if you are into it, but it's not what I want. I have plenty of friends that treat me this way (as a 'normal' person) as well and I am very thankful for that. This guy hasn't known me long, but the communication has been consistent and lengthy about a wide variety of things, not just talking about TTWD. He seems (and I use the word "seems" because I haven't met him yet) patient, caring, honest, trusting, firm when he needs to be, and incredibly FAIR.

I'm scared because I have a good feeling about this. I know, that sounds strange...but I've gotten my hopes up before and been let down again and again. This seems different somehow. I don't know how to explain it. It feels right but I don't trust my feelings all that much anymore. I'm learning to balance the mind and the heart.

I'm ready to be happy. I'm ready to live my life. I'm ready to be with 'him,' whoever he may be. I'm ready to do whatever it takes to become who I want to be so that I can achieve my dreams of helping others.

Most importantly, I AM PROUD OF MYSELF! I'm getting there.

*Kimmie*

Nevermind.

2010-07-29T14:22:00.002-05:00

I hate that when things just start looking up in life, everything comes crashing down. That is all.

*Kimmie*

Please don't go, I want you to stay

2010-07-26T05:16:00.002-05:00

Okay, so I have a problem and in my crazy mind this is a huge problem. This post will probably be pretty disorganized because my mind is running rampant.

I recently met a guy that seems so amazingly perfect for me. Apparently there were some communication problems and I guess he thought that we were supposed to be in a relationship or something? I really don't know.

Here's the thing. I'm currently in a state of extreme non well-being (yeah, that's probably not the best way to put it but you know what I mean). I need help getting my ass back in gear. I absolutely HAVE to finish this final college course that I'm working on and I have not been able to achieve this on my own. I know, I shouldn't have to use other methods to get things done but that is how I feel it needs to happen right now. I have a very good friend that I trust very much that I have been seeing in order to get some spanking action in. He is just a friend. I believe that if I decided to go towards the discipline aspect of things for my problem, he would be more than willing to help and I would trust him to do this.

Now, here's the BIG issue. The new guy that I'm interested in being in a relationship with is living far away at the moment and will not be moving here for 6 months. He says there are other ways we can go about helping me with this problem (with talking it through and self-spanking). Now, that has NEVER really worked well with me before. I've been thinking about it and I just do NOT think this will work. I need real time discipline for what I'm going through because this is a highly pressing issue (the school work) that needs to get done NOW (and my dumb ass can't do it by myself!). A lot of my problem is self-confidence issues as well. There's a lot to it but I won't go into that.

The new guy wants me to not see or get spanked by anybody at all until he gets here. Now, in my head I'm thinking..."but what if the relationship doesn't work out?" "what if I end up not receiving my diploma because of this?," "what if he is just another liar," etc.

I REALLY REALLY REALLY want to try to make it work with this guy but we've only just met, and I've been hurt before. I guess I'm at that point where I am ready to settle down. Which in another way sucks, because I've been interested in others before and such. But he'll be living here in 6 months.

If I tell this new guy how I feel honestly and he doesn't accept it, then I lose the chance of the possibility with him forever.

I don't know what to say anymore, I don't know what to do. I'm so sick over this.

*Kimmie*

Counselor Visit

2010-07-21T02:23:00.003-05:00

So, I went to visit my counselor the other day and finally...after 2 years...confessed to her about my "kink." A good friend of mine helped me gather up the courage to let her in on my dirty little secrets. So, thank you (you know who you are ;-)) You may not be surprised to find out that she wasn't at all surprised that that was my "thing," because of my struggle with cutting.

She told me that it wasn't at all abnormal to be into spanking, even the disciplinary side of it. She even gave me examples, without mentioning names, of people that had the same cravings as I! I thought this was just great!! I mean, not at ALL the response I was expecting to get out of her! She even encouraged me to go to local spanking group play meetings. I told her of my fear of ending up with someone who was truly abusive and we went over safety tips. Of course, I already had been using all of them (safe words, safety calls, etc.) except for the fact that I have never met with any local group. I've always been too afraid/self-conscious...due to my overwhelming anxiety and all that other junk. I'm thinking I will start slowly by meeting a few people at a time. I already am in correspondence with one couple in Little Rock and I am excited about meeting them in the semi-near future. She also told me not to try to "get rid" of this side of me because it will never go away. I've tried this many times in the past and it definitely never went away. And, so...I'm embracing it! Carefully.

However, it worries me that maybe she only said these things because she was afraid of what I might do if she had shown me disapproval. But, I hardly think that she would have spoken so in depth with me about it...and known so much about it...if that were the case. *shrugs* I don't know.

The main point of this post is that my counselor told me to try not to dabble too far into the BDSM aspect. The session ended, so we didn't get any further. Why would she warn me of this?

Thanks for reading,

*Kimmie* :)

Things that hold me back.

2010-07-08T10:24:00.003-05:00

I miss being spanked, A LOT. It drives me absolutely insane some days. I'm tired of my lack of self-esteem holding me back. I'm tired of feeling too fat. Even though I'm really not that overweight, but compared to all of the spanking models out there, I really am. I want to lose a little weight to feel healthier and better about myself. I have access to a treadmill. Now, the question is, what is the best exercise regiment to go about doing this? Are there any tips or tricks that anyone could give me? I know, I know, walk. You know what I mean. Help? Please? I'm totally new at this.

*Kimmie*

Shall I try this again?

2010-07-08T09:32:00.003-05:00

Well, maybe I shall try this blog once again. I need to discover more of myself. We'll see. We'll see.

*Kimmie*

Birthday...

2009-08-05T03:15:00.001-05:00

So, my birthday is 3 days from now...August 8th. I'll be 25 years old and I'm not happy about that at all. :( Quarter of a century old scares me for some reason. I'm REALLY not happy about the fact that I won't be receiving a birthday spanking!! There's no one around to give me one. *sniffles and tears* Seriously...I'm sad.

Opportunities! PLEASE help!

2009-07-31T19:14:00.002-05:00

Omfg. Okay. I'm trying to chill out for one second so that I can type this. Um, where to start...well, I'm sure most of you are familiar with Bill and Sarah over at www.spankingtube.com I've been online friends with him for years and he recently proposed to me the idea of shooting with them and possibly becoming a spanking model. Last night he took some pictures of me via webcam in certain positions and whatnot (I can't believe I was even able to do that!) and he sent them to Michael Masterson over at www.realspankings.com and he said "yes." He gave me the go!! =D I don't even know what to think, or what to do at this moment.

It would be a long, and very lonely, 23 hour, Greyhound bus ride there. I'm very nervous about that. I've never done that alone before. I'm trying to weigh the pros and cons there but I just can't think right now!

I also really need to come up with an excuse to tell my family where I will be for 2 weeks. :/ Any ideas there?...because I really need some ideas!!

Please give me advice as well. I know that most of you know a LOT more than I do about this.

<3 Kimmie

Pondering.

2009-07-31T12:45:00.002-05:00

I'm pondering the idea of taking up a business opportunity in the spanking world. Just thinking about it now though. I'll let you know, as soon as I can, if anything comes of it. Trying not to get my hopes up...

<3 *Kimmie*

Picture

2009-07-28T23:37:00.009-05:00

I put a new picture up on the top of my blog. It was taken in Burns Park in Little Rock, Arkansas. It's a HUGE tank that I'm on. I have added a few more pictures in this blog post. The one of me and the girl kissing...that's Chastin and she is my best friend in the entire world. No, we aren't lesbians (she's married too), we just like to goof off :P

Also, I bout some Capzasin cream and tried it out a little, just to see what it would feel like. I couldn't feel anything at all. Icy Hot hurts worse, a lot worse. Unless I'm not doing something right...??

UPDATE: Okay so I took a shower, and about 10 minutes after I got out the Capzasin started burning. It isn't nearly as much pain as a spanking is but I'm glad I decided to try it out..it's very interesting. If you have any questions, feel free to ask.

Good for...brushing.

2009-07-25T17:04:00.003-05:00

So, a really good friend and I were at a Walmart the other day. We were in the section with the hair brushes. One of the brushes said on the packaging..."Good for brushing." Well, alrighty then. Good to know. Now if they would only have let me know if it were good for spanking. It was brush that I had owned before...so I knew it really wasn't that good for spanking. Opted for another brush, turns out THAT one was absolutely NO good for spanking...but great for brushing! *sigh*

Also, drove past a place called "Thrashers," and I really wish I would have taken a picture of the sign. *Le sigh*

...Blog settings?

2009-07-25T15:37:00.001-05:00

I tried to change my blog settings but I'm not sure that it worked. Are you all still able to read this?

Friends only?

2009-07-25T14:04:00.002-05:00

Is there no way to make a post to where only friends can read it?...

*Kimmie*

Off Topic: Lonliness

2009-07-20T20:41:00.004-05:00

I'm sorry that this is off topic but I'm feeling a bit down and I feel the need to get something off my chest.

Does anybody else ever get so lonely that they just end up listening to sad music and crying pitifully? It really seems that when I feel like this and need somebody to talk to the most, nobody is around. I realize that I am an overly sensitive and a pretty needy person but that isn't something that I want to change about myself. It's something I both love and hate about myself. There's really no specific reason I'm upset...really...I don't know. I just get to the point to where I don't think I have a hope in the world to actually find and have what I truly want. The only thing in this cruel, yet beautiful, world that I want.

Also, I am a huge fan of glasses, as you can probably tell. I have found though that they are purely annoying when crying, especially when you can barely see without them.

..."So I need you, so I need you..."

And I'm going to end with one of my favorite songs...

VNV NATION: "Illusion"

"I know it's hard to tell how mixed up you feel
Hoping what you need is behind every door
Each time you get hurt, I don't want you to change
Because everyone has hopes, you're human after all
The feeling sometimes, wishing you were someone else
Feeling as though you never belong
This feeling is not sadness, this feeling is not joy
I truly understand. Please, don't cry now

Please don't go, I want you to stay
I'm begging you please, please don't leave here
I don't want you to hate for all the hurt that you feel
The world is just illusion trying to change you

Being like you are
Well this is something else, who would comprehend?
But some that do, lay claim
Divine purpose blesses them
That's not what I believe, and it doesn't matter anyway
A part of your soul ties you to the next world
Or maybe to the last, but I'm still not sure
But what I do know, is to us the world is different
As we are to the world but I guess you would know that

Please don't go, I want you to stay
I'm begging you please, please don't leave here
I don't want you to hate for all the hurt that you feel
The world is just illusion trying to change you
Please don't go, I want you to stay
I'm begging you please, oh please don't leave here
I don't want you to change for all the hurt that you feel
This world is just illusion always trying to change you

Please don't go, I want you to stay
I'm begging you please, please don't leave here
I don't want you to hate for all the hurt that you feel
The world is just illusion trying to change you
Please don't go, I want you to stay
I'm begging you please, oh please don't leave here
I don't want you to change for all the hurt that you feel
This world is just illusion always trying to change you"

Love,
*Kimmie*

Alternative Punishments: Willingness.

2009-07-20T18:19:00.002-05:00

Someone recently asked me to write about what kind of "alternative punishments" I would be will to try if the situation ever arose that I were not physically there with a partner (or, I guess, even if the partner were there). I'm going to try to answer that the best I can. My mind is not completely here today. :(

I'm probably weird for this but I have this problem with doing intimate things over a webcam (and sometimes camera) without FIRST meeting the person, after that I'm okay with it. I don't really know why, but it's hard for me to do. I guess it could be that they would have seen and felt me in person and know what I actually look like and who I am. *shrugs*

Yes, it certainly depends on whether or not I would do what I was told in a long distance relationship and so far I've been pretty good at doing so. I've done the whole corner time thing and I hate corner time so it does work for a time. I'm unsure about all of the different variations that there may be...I've done certain positions, like hand behind back and sticking my bottom out, or hands on head even.

I've had soap in my mouth before and I hate that and it really isn't my thing and makes me feel very sick, so that would really depend on if my partner really wanted me to do that.

Early bedtimes would not work on me at this point in my life. I have pretty bad insomnia due to racing thoughts so it would just make me very angry and I wouldn't be able to make myself do it because I'd go more insane than I already am. Maybe someday that will change.

Restrictions from computer, phone, music, etc. would work, but not for long distance relationship...I don't think. I consider grounding to be in the same category.

Punishment clothing...now I recently read Angie's blog post about that and found it to be VERY interesting and it opened up my mind a lot to the subject. I'd be very willing to try it and I think that many variations would work on me. I don't own any thongs because well, I hate them. If I were made to get some and wear them...yep that would straighten me up rather quickly.

Also, wearing clothes to sleep would drive me nuts because I can't stand having any clothing on whatsoever when I sleep. I would not get much sleep and therefore would be a good little girl from then on.

"Silent" spankings were mentioned and I would actually not mind trying that although it sounds rather painful...but hey, that's part of why we do TTWD. I'd be willing to buy something with Capsaicin in it, although I'm unsure of what products have that it in or where I would buy any. Suggestions?

A hard limit of mine are enemas, suppositories and such. I just...won't do it right now. I'm willing to try anything one but...I just don't know.

Written punishments would certainly work on me because repetitive writing drives me nuts most of the time. I'm so used to typing now, heh. So, any variation of the sort would be considered a good punishment (or part of one).

Clothespins are another thing that works on me. The sensation those cause when I'm not, in the mood, is very intense and incredibly painful.

Okay, my brain is overwhelmed at the moment. I'm sorry this post is so short.

<3 *Kimmie*

Alernative Punishments

2009-07-17T04:57:00.002-05:00

Now most people include spanking and corner time in their punishments, if they're in a DD relationship. I'm wondering what other alternatives there may be to that? I'm in a "sort-of" long distance "relationship (I guess)" so even alternatives for those dealing with someone from afar. So I'm asking for both 'in real life' and in distance relationships.

If any of you are in, or have been in, a similar situation, or even if you know someone who has been. I'd love to hear your opinions.

For rain that's fallen halfway down the sky, I apologize, for sunlight burning holes into your eyes, I apologize...

2009-07-12T04:19:00.003-05:00

Hello all,

I just wanted to write and apologize for my very long absence from the web of spanking. My excuses are as follows: I've had several medical problems, I became extremely depressed and had panic attacks, and I've been working on getting back into school. As far as the school thing goes, I should graduate or at least walk in December. Depending on scheduling and Financial Aid is when I will know for sure what I have to do. They accepted my appeal after they denied me but said that I had to follow Federal guidelines...and I don't understand any of it. Wish me luck.

As far as the spanking scene...I'm still into it; very much so. I haven't actually been spanked in forever though. I found, a while back, www.spankingtube.com and I like it. That and Spankolife; as well. I kinda really like someone right now but I am not sure what he thinks, so I'm just trying to stay cool about it all.

I still have a lot of goals that I need to accomplish, it annoys me that I can't seem to do them on my own. Hopefully I will graduate and then I can say I did that on my own. Here's hoping anyways. Dang me and my negative thinking.

Feel free to suggest subject for me to write about, I'd love anybody's imput.

Again, I am very sorry for disappearing, and no I can't promise it won't happen again...but I hope that I don't.

I hope everyone is doing well and having lots of spanking good fun! ;-)

*Kimmie*

Goals

2008-11-18T05:37:00.003-06:00

Okay, so it's time for me to set up some goals for myself, which will help me become healthier, as well as make me feel like I'm actually doing something with my life right now.

1.) I'd like to lose 20 lbs. within a month or two. Preferably one month. Exercise, vitamins, and watching my caloric intake will be primary. I can't really afford to eat health right now but God I'd love to, money however, is very low. I believe that this will be the first baby step into helping me become more comfortable with myself and therefore less anxious in most situations. Also, if I can rid myself of these terrible self-defeating thoughts and raise my self-confidence...I'll be much less likely to sabotage any future relationships...because that is the LAST thing that I want to do. I'm tired of running away. I'm too stubborn for that.

2.) We are all aware that I tried very hard to quit smoking and failed. I refuse to let that get me down anymore. It was my first attempt at quitting and I think I did pretty darn well. Now I just have to get ready again.

3.) I would like to try and get out of the house more. Go visit friends and family, even if that means I'll hate it in the beginning...perhaps things will eventually change, specifically with my family issues.

4.) I'd like to work on my conversational and social skills. I used to be very good at it but since leaving college, I've fallen. I'll get back to myself again one of these days.

5.) I will get outside more often and do the things that I used to love to do. Things like taking photographs, walking in the park, driving the back roads and exploring. ALONE!! I haven't done those things since back in college and I adored it so much. I will get into my hobbies more, writing poetry, drawing and painting, singing to my ever beloved music, crying when it just feels right (I hold it in far too often, due to past experiences), and hell I may even start playing my Clarinet again, I was amazing at it. :) I could add more to the list but I'm sure they'll come alone eventually.

I used to love myself and I remember that feeling...I loved that feeling. I will do anything to get that back. I crave it and long for it. Maybe I won't be able to do all of this alone, in fact I'm pretty sure I won't, but I will try. That's all that I can do. If I need help along the way, I really hope that I can find someone willing to do whatever it takes to guide me. I will get desperate, I won't lie. It's a part of me that I'm beginning to embrace...I'll always need someone to protect me...and that is alright with me.

Thank you for reading and if any of you think that there are specific areas that I should focus on...please let me know...I'm all for constructive criticism. :) I'd appreciate any feedback.

This is so true...

2008-11-04T21:46:00.005-06:00

Compared to other takers

* 49/100 You scored 45 on ABC, higher than 49% of your peers.
* 76/100 You scored 48 on XYZ, higher than 76% of your peers.

Your result for The Quick & Painless ENNEAGRAM Test ...

4- the Individualist
you chose BY - your Enneagram type is FOUR (aka "The Romantic")

"I am unique"

Romantics have sensitive feelings and are warm and perceptive.

How to Get Along with Me

* Give me plenty of compliments. They mean a lot to me.
* Be a supportive friend or partner. Help me to learn to love and value myself.
* Respect me for my special gifts of intuition and vision.
* Though I don't always want to be cheered up when I'm feeling melancholy, I sometimes like to have someone lighten me up a little.
* Don't tell me I'm too sensitive or that I'm overreacting!

What I Like About Being a FOUR

* my ability to find meaning in life and to experience feeling at a deep level
* my ability to establish warm connections with people
* admiring what is noble, truthful, and beautiful in life
* my creativity, intuition, and sense of humor
* being unique and being seen as unique by others
* having aesthetic sensibilities
* being able to easily pick up the feelings of people around me

What's Hard About Being a FOUR

* experiencing dark moods of emptiness and despair
* feelings of self-hatred and shame; believing I don't deserve to be loved
* feeling guilty when I disappoint people
* feeling hurt or attacked when someone misundertands me
* expecting too much from myself and life
* fearing being abandoned
* obsessing over resentments
* longing for what I don't have

FOURs as Children Often

* have active imaginations: play creatively alone or organize playmates in original games
* are very sensitive
* feel that they don't fit in
* believe they are missing something that other people have
* attach themselves to idealized teachers, heroes, artists, etc.
* become antiauthoritarian or rebellious when criticized or not understood
* feel lonely or abandoned (perhaps as a result of a death or their parents' divorce)

FOURs as Parents

* help their children become who they really are
* support their children's creativity and originality
* are good at helping their children get in touch with their feelings
* are sometimes overly critical or overly protective
* are usually very good with children if not too self-absorbed

...and more at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Four_(Enneagram)

Slip and Fall

2008-11-02T01:30:00.004-05:00

Okay, so I need to be honest here. This princess fell off her pedestal today, and fell numerous times, HARD. I guess I just let the overwhelming depression get to me, along with everyone around me that do the things that I shouldn't do. Excuses are pointless. I guess I just need a little "pick-me-up" or a talking to or...something. I'm not quite sure.

I'll be around again for a few days...

*Kimmie*

It's a long process...

2008-10-31T04:46:00.019-05:00

To start off...this song reminds me of how I've been feeling lately. I'll get over it though, it's not how I always feel. I HAVE to learn how to talk about those feelings that I so often hide.

"You hide the shame that you're not showing and you won't let anyone in, a crowded street can be a quiet place when you're walking alone and now you think that you're the only one who doesn't have to try, and you won't have to fail, if you're afraid to fight then I guess you never will. You hide behind your walls of maybe nevers, forgetting that there's something more than just knowing better, your mistakes do not define you now, to tell you who you're not, you've got to live this life you're given like it's the only one you've got, memories have left you broken and the scars have never healed, the emptiness in you is growing with so little left to feel, you're scared to look back on the days before and too tired to move on...if you're afraid to fight then I guess you never will..."

This post may very well be redundant, but oh well, it just happened to be on my mind tonight.

When it comes to DD, the way you go about the discipline process, from beginning to end, is of utmost importance. Well, it is for me anyway. If one thing is done wrong it can ruin the entire lesson being taught. This has to put tremendous pressure on the spanker, the spankee...not so much. Hell, all she has to do is lay there and take it...not that it's easy, mind you, but you know what I mean. Hah. For me, I know exactly how I want it all to go from start to finish. I know what works for me. However, that doesn't mean that I'm able to be completely open and honest with my spanker freely. If he were to ask me straight up then I wouldn't have as difficult of a time doing so. That also doesn't mean that I'm not flexible and willing to learn other things that might work for me. I'm always willing to learn.

In short, I prefer the spanker to be more "fatherly," for lack of a better word, in his acts. I want him to be caring and understanding, yet stern and thorough. I don't want him to give in and let me out of anything. Afterall, I deserve what I've earned plain and simple. Now...if I've done something particularly bad, then things change a bit in my mind. I would love to think that there would never be a time when I felt no remorse for my actions. I would also love to believe that I were perfect, but we all know that simply is not true. If there were ever a time when I didn't care about my doing something stupid, then I would expect (although probably not so much at the time) my partner to immediately take care of it. I'd imagine he would be very to-the-point and harsh (again, I suck at vocabulary so that may not be the right word that I'm looking for). The caring and forgiveness would probably have to wait until afterwards. Sometimes it just takes a LOT to get through to the spankee. Yes, even with me...more so than I'd like...but that can always change. That brings a question to mind...what do you do, as a spanker, if the spankee gets very out of control when you try to spank her for a major offence, and she just won't have any part of it?? What if she threatens you, even if she didn't really mean the threat, because she wasn't in a rational state of mind? Okay, that wasn't so short afterall...

Here are some more questions for whoever reads this...

When you are punishing a spankee, how do you prefer speak to them? Are you stern and harsh? Or do you show some type of fatherly characteristics, such as still using “pet names” and being caring and understanding yet still stern at the same time? Do you gently grab their chin to get them to look you in the eyes? Do you help them by guiding them over your knee or do you make them do it themselves (along with lowering pants and panties)? After the punishment is over, do you hold them and let them cry on your shoulder if needed? Do you comfort and hug them and let them know that all is forgiven and it will be alright? Are your reasonings for these answers because of your fantasies or because of what you think is best for her or something else?

On another topic...I was talking to a friend the other night and I was feeling down about the lifestyle that I so yearn to live. I told him how my ex-fiance thought it was "weird," which I immediately took as him meaning that I was weird. It took me over 2 years to gather up the courage to tell him...in a letter, at that...about this. It REALLY hurt when he said that, but I have to give him the credit for trying...he did try to help me. I learned a very important lesson, and I guess I knew it all along, that you can't force this lifestyle on anyone. Although it still amazes me how someone that didn't grow up wanting this, such as someone that was introduced to this through a prior relationship, can be as passionate about it as I am (maybe that's just because Justin didn't turn into a spanko). *shrugs* Maybe I'll just never understand.

Anyways, back to the friend I was talking to about feeling weird about the lifestyle. He doesn't think I'm weird for it, but he does see how others might see it as that way. I guess I do too but it still hurts tremendously. Hell, he will even spank me if I really need it, because he knows that I'll hurt myself physically if I get to that point of no return (although it's not easy for me to ask him, so I rarely do). He may not be into the lifestyle but he sure does care about his friends. I guess that's why he's one of my best friends. He doesn't judge me but he's very honest with me on his opinions about things. It means a lot that my two best friends support (not to mention, trust) me in the lifestyle I want and ultimately will support me with the person that I choose to be my partner for life. I'm not one to quickly let people inside my heart...to see the real Kimmie (and that's who I truly am, my personality). Not that I'm dishonest with them, I just don't always openly reveal the most intimate aspects of myself to them straight away. You're a very important person to me when I do decide to open my heart to you. Then...you better not break it. I don't know that I'll ever feel comfortable with who I am and what I believe, but I sure hope that my future partner will help me with that. Maybe one day I won't feel like I'm "weird," and maybe one day I'll finally get his damned voice out of my head saying..."It's just weird."

On a final note, since it is Halloween, what are some of your favorite costumes to celebrate the event? I won't be celebrating but I'm still curious...

Reinforcement

2008-10-28T02:57:00.001-05:00

Kimmie - Free and Healing for Three Days, 3 Hours and 50 Minutes, while extending my life expectancy 5 Hours, by avoiding the use of 63 nicotine delivery devices that would have cost me $12.64.

*Smiles*

Smoking cessation

2008-10-24T05:54:00.004-05:00

Okay. So I've FINALLY decided to quit smoking...it finally hit me that I truly want to. I think I'm doing well by only having one every 3 hours...and that alone is KILLING me. In the next few days I'm planning on just biting the bullet and going cold turkey. That is the smartest way, really...as much as I hate to admit it. Now honestly, I had told myself I was going to have my last cigarette last night...but that didn't happen. I went to sleep around 9:30pm and then woke up at 3:00am out of nowhere, I guess because of the ear pain and lack of the amount of nicotine that my body is used to. So...of course I ended up having a cigarette. I couldn't go back to sleep, there was no one online and nobody awake here, no support...nothing to distract me.

I need all the support that I can get right now because I really don't believe that I can do this on my own. Unfortunately, there isn't anyone that I can call each and every time I need that support. Of course, I know things would be different if I had a regular person to spank me but that just isn't possible right now. ;-( The only thing that I can figure is to not buy another pack of cigarettes once this pack is gone. Then I have the problem of living with 2 smokers...that's a huge concern of mine. If I get that hideous craving for a cigarette...all I have to do is find them or one of their smokes. Earlier, when I had that cigarette, I just beat myself up inside and got very upset. Nicotine is such a horrific, disastrous, and sickening addiction. I never realized just how much of a grip it had on me until now. I've never had any drug addiction problems and I never saw cigarettes as being a drug...until now.

I need to find a mentor, someone who is an ex-smoker, to help me through this process. The only person that I can think of that has quit smoking cold turkey is my brother, Kyle. I'm pretty sure that he had smoked for about as long as I have, when he decided to quit. I emailed him last night and asked him for some tips and tricks on how he managed to stop. He's not exactly quick about getting back to me...so he's kind of an unreliable source...but maybe he'll surprise me. I love him to death. It's truly unreal how much he and I favor one another.

I have found a site that has helped me thus far and I'm going to try to visit it as much as I can. www.whyquit.com It has some amazing articles and some absolutely heart wrenching stories. I never realized how many young people could get cancer from smoking. I'll admit, I did know that cancer wasn't just for older folks...but it didn't really HIT me until now. I don't want to become one of them!!

I would appreciate and love all of the support that I can get right now. I'm sorry to sound selfish but please keep me in your thoughts.

*Kimmie*

All about Kimmie. ;-)

2008-10-20T15:52:00.003-05:00

1 - THE BASICS
2 - Name	*Kimberly*
3 - Gender	*Female*
4 - Age	24
5 - Screen Name	*kamokittie*
6 - Birthday	*August 8th, 1984 (8-8-84)*
7 - Race	*Caucasian*
8 - School/Grade	*Senior in College*
9 - Job	*Maid ;-)*
10 - Status	*Um...Single*
11 - Hometown	*Little Rock, Arkansas*
12 - Current Town	*Sheridan, Arkansas*
13 - Parents Still Together	*Yes Sir! :)*
14 - Siblings	*Tina (46), Kevin (34), Kyle (29). Yes, I'm the youngest.*
15 - Pets	*Cat-"Possum" and Parakeet-"Dali" Cat-"Rusty" RIP.*
16 - Smoker	*Yes...but I really want to quit.*
17 - Drinker	*No thank you.*
18 - Virgin	*No.*
19 - Orientation	*Heterosexual.*
20 - Drugs	*JUST SAY NO!!*
21 - APPEARANCE
22 - Hair Color	*Auburn*
23 - Is it Dyed?	*Yes, my natural color is a bit lighter*
24 - Eye color	*Hazel*
25 - Height	*5'5 and a half*
26 - Style	*Haha!*
27 - Glasses/Contacts/None?	*Contacts and Glasses*
28 - Freckles	*Yes Sir*
29 - Body Type	I'm considered average. shrugs
30 - Shoe Size	*9-10 depending on the type of shoe. Hush! I know I have big feet.*
31 - Piercings	*2 in each ear*
32 - Want More?	*No.*
33 - Tatoos?	*Yes, for Mrs. Chastin*
34 - Want More?	*Nope.*
35 - Braces?	*I had them when I was younger to correct and overbite.*
36 - Overall Best Feature?	*My bottom, of course! ;-)*
37 - Overall Worst Feature?	*Everything but my bottom? =P*
38 - Do you get most of your traits from mom or dad?	*My dad, I think.*
39 - LIKES/DISLIKES
40 - Favorite Color	*Purple.*
41 - Worst Color	*No idea...I like them all.*
42 - Favorite Number	*8 (It's a prominent number in my life).*
43 - Favorite Animal	*Cat!!*
44 - Least Favorite Animal	*I like them all.*
45 - Favorite Flower	*This is cliche but a single Rose is my favorite flower...of any color.*
46 - Favorite Food	*Steak.*
47 - Worst Food	*I'm not a huge fan of rice.*
48 - Favorite Junk Food	*Chocolate.*
49 - Worst Junk Food	*No clue...*
50 - Favorite Restaraunt	*Outback Steakhouse. Although any restaraunt with white cheese dip is up there on my list.*
51 - Favorite Ice Cream Flavor	*Cookies and Cream.*
52 - Favorite Candy	*Chocolate with almonds or Chocolate with peanut butter.*
53 - Favorite Alcoholic Drink	*No thank you.*
54 - Favorite NON Alcoholic Drink	*Sweet Tea!!*
55 - Worst Alcoholic Drink	*All of them.*
56 - Worst NON Alcoholic Drink	*I have no idea...*
57 - Favorite Genre of Music	*Rock I suppose.*
58 - Worst Genre	*Country or hard Rap. , i j*
59 - Favorite Band/Artist	*The Smashing Pumpkins...they will always have my heart.*
60 - Worst Band/Artist	*Any country or hard rap artist or band.*
61 - Favorite Song
62 - Worst Song	*shrugs*
63 - Favorite Radio Station	*I don't listen to the radio anymore, honestly.*
64 - Favorite Book	*Hm...I'm sure I have a few...*
65 - Worst Book	*Don't know!!*
66 - Favorite Type of Movie	*Horror and Comedy are my favorites!*
67 - Worst Type of Movie	*I'm not big on Romance movies but that is because of my past failed relationships...so that could change.*
68 - Favorite Movie
69 - Worst Movie Ever	*I do NOT know!*
70 - Favorite TV Show	*The Simpsons, House!, Grey's Anatomy, I like most sci-fi and health shows. Also, I'm a huge fan of The History Channel. I'm a total nerd!*
71 - Worst TV Show	*Reality TV. I get enough of reality in my own life...c'mon people!*
72 - Favorite Season of the Year	Fall and Spring. Although I love love love the Winter when it snows...we don't get the white stuff here. cries
73 - Worst Season	*Summer!*
74 - Best Friend	*Chastin Marie Yon*
75 - Worst Enemy	*I don't have any enemies.*
76 - Favorite Day of the Week	*Any good day is just fine with me.*
77 - Least Favorite Day of the Week	*Any bad day...*
78 - Favorite Sport	*I love playing basketball and batting cages...haven't tried a whole lot more but I'd certainly be willing to learn. :)*
79 - Sport You Hate	*Football (American).*
80 - One thing you cant get enough of	*Spankings! Haha! That, and of course I love making people smile, especially children...I live for that!*
81 - One thing you hate more than anything	*Judgemental closed-minded idiots.*
82 - LOVE LIFE
83 - Are You Single?	*Yes.*
84 - If not, who is your bf/gf?
85 - How Long Have You Been Together?
86 - If You're Single, Do you Like It?	*I deal with it...but I'd MUCH rather be taken and claimed. :P*
87 - Do You Have a Crush On Anyone Right Now?	*I certainly do, Mr. Alex!*
88 - First Kiss	*Kindergaten to Paul Hiblong.*
89 - Ever Kiss in the Rain?	*Yes and I LOVE it.*
90 - In a Movie Theater?	*Oooh yes...*
91 - Underwater?	*I've tried...*
92 - First Love	*Justin Timothy Dyal.*
93 - Have you ever Cheated on Anyone?	*Absolutely not, nor would I ever.*
94 - Been Cheated on?	*Yes. :(*
95 - Used Someone?	*I'm sure I have at some point...and I'm very sorry if I did. :(*
96 - Been used?	*Yes, of course...who hasn't?*
97 - Lied to your bf/gf?	*Yes, of course but I always felt bad about it.*
98 - Ever Made out With Just a Friend?	*Yes.*
99 - Ever Had Sex With Just a Friend?	*Yes.*
100 - Are You a Tease?	*I can be.*
101 - Do you Flirt a Lot?	*I can.*
102 - Longest Relationship	*5 years...engagement.*
103 - Shortest	*A couple weeks back in Jr. High School.*
104 - Have you Ever Gotten a Poem?	*Yes and I love them. Words from the heart amaze me. :)*
105 - Ever Get Flowers?	*Yes and I love them too!*
106 - Sweetest Thing You've Ever Gotten	*Flowers actually. They melt me. :)*
107 - Do you Like Valentine's Day or Sweetest Day?	*Yes I do. I'm unlike most girls here...I don't expect to receive anything on Valentine's Day...I just want to spend time with the one I gave my heart to.*
108 - Do you Believe in Love at First Sight?	*Lust at first sight.*
109 - Do you Believe in
110 - Do you Fall in Love Fast?	*I have been known to wear my heart on my sleeve...but I'm working on that.*
111 - Are you a Player?	*No and if I ever found out a guy was doing it to me, he's gone.*
112 - Would you ever Hook Up With Someone of the Same sex?	*No, that part of my life is LONG gone.*
113 - Have You ever Kissed 2 People in One Day?	*Not that I remember.*
114 - Kissed 2 People At One Time?	*No.*
115 - Had Sex with 2 People in One day?	*No.*
116 - Had sex with 2+ People at One Time?	*No.*
117 - Ever cried over someone of the opposite sex?	*Ooooh God yes.*
118 - Ever Been Dumped?	*Yes.*
119 - Ever dumped someone?	*Yes.*
120 - Ever been rejected?	*Yes, it hurts.*
121 - Do you have a lot of ex's?	*Not really.*
122 - Are you a slut?	*No.*
123 - Ever been called one?	*Heh, in good fun, yes. :P*
124 - Ever dated someone more than once?	Yes... sigh
125 - Do you ever make the first move?	*No but I would if I felt it was right/needed.*
126 - Double dates or single?	*Single*
127 - Do you want to get married?	*Yes, I want to be with the same man for the REST OF MY LIFE. Why is that so hard to find in this day and age? :(*
128 - OPPOSITE SEX (what you're attracted to)
129 - Hair Color	*I've been with all hair types and I'm not picky.*
130 - Short or long?	*I don't care for short short hair, personally. I like something to run my fingers through.*
131 - Style	*Doesn't matter, whatever he likes best. :)*
132 - Age	*Preferably somewhere within' 5 years of my own. But...love doesn't really have an age.*
133 - Height	*Doesn't matter.*
134 - Weight	*Seems that I always end up with the thinner type guys for some reason. Don't ask me. I'm not picky at all.*
135 - Muscular Or Skinny	*Doesn't really matter.*
136 - Boxers or Briefs	*Boxers. :P*
137 - Do you care about looks?	*Not particularly, no.*
138 - Other
139 - Can you drive?	*Oooh yes, Sir. I can drive a stick like no other too. :D*
140 - Do You Have a Car?	*I do, indeed. It's a Blue 2005 Dodge Neon SXT with a sunroof and color inlay.*
141 - Do you have a cell phone?	*Yes.*
142 - Are you online a lot?	*Yes.*
143 - Do you like gay/bi people?	*I have many friends that are gay/bi. Doesn't bother me...just not my thing.*
144 - Can you speak another language?	*Some Spanish.*
145 - Do you do well in school?	*Decent. Yes.*
146 - Do you collect anything?	*Junk. :P*
147 - Have an obsession?	*Um. Spanking...it can become an obsession. I think that's just because I haven't had one in so long...*
148 - Do you hate yourself?	*Honestly. Not at all. Sometimes I feel like I do though.*
149 - Ever smile for no reason?	*Yes...and hush!*
150 - Talk to yourself?	*Not really.*
151 - Do you have any regrets?	*I don't believe in regrets. I wouldn't be who I am without those experiences.*
152 - Believe in magick?	*No.*
153 - Do you support gay marriage?	*Doesn't bother me.*
154 - Sex before marriage?	*Doesn't bother me.*
155 - Do you trust people easily?	*Yes...*
156 - Forgive easily?	*Yes...*
157 - Do you have a secret no one knows?	*Hm. I don't think so.*
158 - Do you get along with your parents?	*Yes.*
159 - What about other people?	*Most of the time, yes.*
160 - How do you vent your anger?	*Hmmm...well...not wisely.*
161 - Do you like George Bush?	*Meh. Not really sure.*
162 - Goal Before you die?	*To find and be with my one true love. Also...it'd be nice to have children. :)*
163 - Biggest Fear	*Losing my parents....and the process of dying.*
164 - Biggest Weakness	*My addictive personality.*
165 - Do you play an instrument?	*Clarinet, yes!*
166 - What do you want to be when you grow up?	*Child Psychiatrist or therapist.*
167 - PERSONALITY TRAITS - Are you...
168 - A bitch?	*I can be but that's easily fixed.*
169 - A daydreamer?	*Not really.*
170 - Shy?	*Yes around new people especially.*
171 - Talkative?	*No.*
172 - Energic?	*I can be.*
173 - Happy?	*Somewhat, moreso than ever. Slowly getting better.*
174 - Depressed?	*Yes...too often. Working on it.*
175 - Funny?	*I like to think so...*
176 - Slutty?	*No!*
177 - Boring?	*Um. I think so, yes.*
178 - Mean?	*No.*
179 - Nice?	*Yes.*
180 - Caring?	*Yes.*
181 - Trustworthy?	*Yes.*
182 - Confident?	*Not really...again, working on it.*
183 - Friendly?	*Yes.*
184 - Smart?	*Yes!*
185 - Sarcastic?	*Oh God Yes.*
186 - Dependable?	*Yes.*
187 - Quiet?	*Yes.*
188 - Weird?	*Yes.*
189 - Adaptable?	*Somewhat. Takes a bit.*
190 - Strong (emotionally)?	*Yes, actually. And emotionally strong does not mean someone who does not cry.*
191 - Strong (physically)?	*Meh...somewhat.*
192 - Mature?	*Yes...sometimes. ;)*
193 - Logical?	*Not so much.*
194 - Religious?	*Yes.*
195 - Modest?	*Yes.*
196 - Indesicive?	*OH YES!!! WAY too much so...*
197 - Sympathetic?	*Very much so. I can put myself in others' shoes SO well.*
198 - Polite?	*Yes.*
199 - Creative?	*Yes!*
200 - Fun to be around?	*Yes.*
201 - Loveable?	*Yes!*
202 - Easily Amused?	*Yes...like whoa!*
203 - Outgoing?	*Not so much.*
204 - Daring?	*Yes. I love thrills.*
205 - Clumsy?	Yes...haha...oh yes. I have tripped over air, ya know! Also gotten 8 staples in my head from being clumsy...ahem
206 - Nosy?	*Not so much.*
207 - Lazy?	*I can be.*
208 - Scary?	*Haha, yeah I can be...especially when I wake up! :P*
209 - Optimistic?	*Sometimes.*
210 - Persuasive?	*Hm. I can whine and beg with the best of them! =D*
211 - A good listener?	*Yes, very.*
212 - Curious?	*Yes, I'm just like a cat! Really.*
213 - Determined?	*Yes. Oh yes. Definitely!!*
214 - Artistic?	*Yes!*
215 - Honest?	*Yes! It's a trait I'm so glad I posess and I respect and admire it in others.*
216 - Respectful?	*Yes...I try to be.*
217 - Concieted?	*I can be...but it's rare.*
218 - Cocky?	*I can be...but it's rare too.*
219 - Controlling?	*Not particularly, no.*
220 - Playful?	*Yes, VERY!*
221 - Easygoing?	*Yeah usually.*
222 - Carefree?	*Yes.*
223 - Hot Headed?	*Nah.*
224 - Serious?	*Sometimes.*
225 - Thoughtful?	*Yes.*
226 - Considerate?	*Yes.*
227 - Stubborn?	*Yes, too much so.*
228 - Romantic?	*Oh yes.*
229 - Ambitious?	*Oh yes.*
230 - Jealous?	*Yes, I can be for sure.*
231 - Insecure?	*Yes, very.*
232 - Obsessive?	*I can be.*
233 - Attentive?	*Sometimes...*
234 - Helpful?	*Yes.*
235 - Punctual?	*HAH!!!! OH NO NO NO.*
236 - Rational?	*That's hard for me...*
237 - Sincere?	*Yes.*
238 - Tolerant?	*Yes.*
239 - Goodbye
240 - Did you enjoy this survey?	*It was long.*
241 - Was it too long?	*Yes, see above.*
242 - Do you think it contained just about everything?	*No, actually. :(*

The Art of Dominance

2008-10-11T17:37:00.001-05:00

Okay so this is going to be a TOUGH topic for me to blog about. I’ve been a submissive my entire life thus far and I can’t say that I know what it’s like to be Dominant. SO…I’m just going to make some assumptions here.

In a consensual agreement of course, Dom’s take pleasure in taking control of the submissive…and of course submissives take pleasure in being controlled. I would imagine that the most important aspect here is the same as with submissives…TRUST.

I’ve noticed that most Dom’s seem to have this confident “I’m always right” attitude and when their submissive agrees with them in any way, they get this natural high…almost like an ego-trip (as bad as it sounds, hah)…of course, it must be a sincere agreement on the sub’s part. I’ve noticed that most sub’s tend to be very dependent in their lives and dom’s seem to be very independent (not necessarily dominant towards others at all). Me? I’m very dependent but I have the independence in me that just wants to jump out…and I know a spanking relationship will help with that tremendously, but that submissive part of me will ALWAYS be there in that relationship. I thrive on it, it seems.

The greatest feeling may arise from the sub’s feeling at the end of it all…the feeling of absolute relief and forgiveness within herself and possibly the other party. The Dom has to get an amazing feeling from this…to realize that she has just given him her complete trust and obeyed him to the best of her ability and received that release that she so very much needed…because of him. I can’t imagine such a feeling as I’ve obviously never been on that side. All I know is that the hugs and cuddling (even with a very sore bottom) and even tears, I’d imagine, afterwards, is amazing.

I’d like to know what that feels like…not by experiencing it per say but if someone could give me some insight into it that would be great. For instance, in the terms of spanking, whenever the sub is over your lap and she’s gotten to the point to where she can’t help but put her hands back to stop the unforgiving smacks…how do you find that strength in yourself to keep going knowing full and well that you are hurting her so much at that point in time? Or does it even take anything for you to do that…is it easy?

Oh! Also, how do Dom’s manage to learn a sub by their body language? How do you know when to go harder or lighter, or faster or slower? I don’t see how this could be easy at all…but some seem to be so good at it, even the very first time. I can almost always tell what I’m wanting, but let’s face it sometimes we lie with our behavior on the outside…no matter how much we truly want it in our heart. Okay, oftentimes it’s more than that.

Lots of questions and this also seemed to be a very chopped-up and non-artistic entry, I apologize…

The Art of Submission

2008-10-07T15:06:00.008-05:00

In my younger years I was certainly not submissive, I was just a spoiled brat plain and simple. My submissive side began to thrive, strangely enough, after my trip to Europe when I was 16. THAT is when I began to gain my independence and THAT is when all of my submissive tendencies started to come out. Weird.

Anyways, some of the first traits I noticed were things like looking down, holding my hands behind my back in various positions, and being more meek when somebody (be a friend, whoever) would talk to me in a serious context. Now, my bratty side has been shining through all of my life but I also began to understand that part of me around the same age. It is actually quite amusing to me how quickly I realized what I wanted out of life after my friend showed me that website. EVERYTHING just clicked all at once--that part of my mind just opened up--and the feelings that overcame me were amazing. I hated hiding them. The best part--I ALREADY, before the age of 18, knew what I needed to fix my problems in my life. I just couldn't find it. That is that part that kills me, still to this day. It's like I can't move on with my life without it. I could go on and give you my entire story, experiences, etc. but I'll hold off on that.

The point of this post is to explain why I think being a submissive (from the female perspective) is such a beautiful thing. What many Dominants fail to understand (or perhaps admit) is that they really don't have all the power. The submissive has to ALLOW the Dominant to acquire and use that power on her. So strangely enough the submissive at some point has all of the power. The true art begins, IMHO, once she freely (and happily) gives away all of the control to him...

This is SUCH a powerful feeling...it never fails to amaze me each and every time I do it (be it in person, on the phone, or just simply in my head). I wish that everyone could experience that at least once. It's something akin to sub-space. I have an amazing ability to do just that and I love every second of it (even if I say that I do not ;-) ). It's difficult for me to give that power to another person, so once I find someone and trust them enough to do it for...quite a feat I must say. I live for the day when I can be with the man that I can give up absolute and total control to, forever (mind you, this is not anything like slavery!!).

Do you know how difficult it is to first: realize that you have flaws, second: realize that you need to fix them, third: realize that you know exactly how you can fix them, fourth: realize the ways you need to fix them are extremely painful and abnormal (according to society), fifth: realize that is the ONLY thing that works for you, sixth: realize that it is going to be incredibly painstakingly hard to find, seventh: FINALLY find it (working on this part) and make it work...??

Holy Geez, that's one HUGE art project!!!!! haha...yeah, I crack myself up. I suppose that I should be glad I became aware of this part of me at such a young age.

When I do find that perfect partner for me I will give him all of my trust and submit to him completely because, of course, by that point I will be sure of myself in this relationship. I can not wait for that moment! I can imagine that will be the most powerful feeling I've ever experienced because it will hopefully be a "forever" commitment...to the same man. I'll be to a point where I trust him so much that I will know he will know what is best for me and would never truly harm me. I will be wanted, loved and cherished and for that he will receive ALL of me, I will submit completely, and he will be my helping hand along our journey together. :)

I would imagine, for the Top, the best feeling is to have that complete trust freely given to him. Am I right? Or is it something else?

To be continued...

Picture Blog!!

2008-10-03T12:20:00.009-05:00

Here is a picture blog! I don't think I did the picture format right unfortunately. Eh, here goes.

Picture #1: This has got to be one of the most God-awful positions known to spanking. Humilating, Embarrassing, Painful. Yeowch!
Picture #2: It's so true.
Picture #3: Rosaleen Young, she's always been my favorite and she has such a wonderful way of arching her bottom.
Picture #4: Rosaleen Young, ouch wet bottom! I wonder what that would feel like...not good, I would imagine.
Picture #5: She looks like she's in a bit of pain.
Picture #6: I just found that hilarious all the way around. heh, no vacancy.
Picture #7: Kailee is great.
Picture #8: Brandi, over pillows!!
Picture #9: Brandi. :)
Picture #10: OMG.
Picture #11: Tears! I'm so jealous.
Picture #12: Audrey and Abilgail. http://www.spankthatbrat.com/
Picture #13: Abigail and her lovely outfit. :)
Picture #14: Audrey and Abilgail, I'm pretty sure she's being punished her. Yikes!
Picture #15: Bath brush=the worst implement known to man. :'(

Chemistry

2008-10-03T11:51:00.004-05:00

Key Question: *Is it difficult for you to find a spanker with similar interests and chemistry as your own or is it difficult for a spanker to find a spankee with similar interests and chemistry as your own?*

I have often found that it is very difficult to find a spanker that matches my personality. There have been many that came SO close...but no cigar. I have found a few that matched me online but once I met them the chemistry just wasn't there which was a huge letdown for me. I'd imagine it was the same feeling for them. That's why I have doubts about online dating working. I must admit though that I have a very good friend whom none of you know, James. He met Jenn (and now she's a good friend) online at www.faithbase.net and she moved here from New York City. They just got engaged and they seem to be incredibly happy. I had my doubts and I'm usually right about those things, but they got me this time. They're moving away to Colorodo Sunday. *sigh* I'll miss them. My best friend Chastin, and her husband Chad met on www.match.com and obviously they got married...so...

Anyways, I think I got a tad bit off subject there and apparently advertised for a couple sites, I should get paid, haha. I apologize for that. Where was I? Oh. Online dating works for some. I don't believe it works for many. It's going to have to work for me or I'll never get married. The only way I'll be truly completely happy is with spanking and Arkansas seems to be sparce with spankers...let me rephrase that...Arkansas seems to be sparce with sane spankers.

Now, as I've said I have met some guys online that I felt a lot of chemistry for. The horrible part is when you realize they don't feel the same thing for you. It's very disheartening. Honestly, I've had a few people (non-spankos) around my area ask me out on dates. I just couldn't do it. Been there, done that. Dated someone, and once I found myself I told him I was a spanko...he tried it and there just came a point to where he couldn't do it anymore. We were engaged. 5 years. I feel bad for him because he really did try...things just slowly fell apart after that and I blame myself for everything, even if it wasn't intentional. So, my new avenue is meeting spankos first, getting to know a little about them first, then getting to know their exact interests in spanking, then getting to know about their lives and interests more in depth.

Sometimes I think I'm too picky. Think so?

Taking Pictures and Self-Esteem

2008-09-28T21:32:00.006-05:00

Some of these questions are going to be directed at spankees and some of these will be directed at Spankers...I'm sorry that they are a bit vague...but I'm very interested in all of your takes on these...questions are in bold.

Does taking pictures of yourself make you feel sexy or does it make you feel less confident? Does it make you happy when your spanker asks you to take a picture of yourself in his favorite position, or does it make you feel humiliated?

Now I will explain the way taking pictures of myself makes me feel. I've always found it hard to make myself do it...I mean, I suppose that it is most likely my low self-confidence beaming in. When a friend or a spanker asks me to take a photo...I tend to close up and get very nervous and shy...because frankly I don't want to do it. Once in a great while I do get the spontaneous feeling to take random pictures, though very rarely. I often wonder why so many guys want pictures of my bottom or of me in various spanking positions...any explanations for me, Tops? What is it about these pictures that make you happy? Is it that the spankee is ready and willing to do it for you? Does it bother you when they won't do it for you? (I have run across MANY spankers that get aggrivated when I won't take pictures for them, and then they suddenly stop talking to me...same goes with webcam).

I honestly don't think, for me, that it has anything to do with me not trusting someone enough. For example, I actually have a very good friend who has come down to spank me from far away...and even when he asks for pictures it makes me feel down on myself. I really WANT to do it for him, but my mind instanly goes into the "I'm not sexy enough" mode. I trust him completely and he has seen and spanked the hell out of my bare bottom more than once. So, what is my freaking problem? Will I EVER get over this?

I'm sure I've left so many things out, so if any of you would like to elaborate further or add more questions and answers, please do!

Thank you all for taking the time to read this. It is MUCH appreciated. You are all helping me to learn and grow so much already!! :-)

Yours,
*Kimmie*

Drinking

2008-09-20T20:52:00.003-05:00

Why is it that when I tell someone that I am not a big drinker...in fact, I rarely ever drink at all...they automatically say that I'm missing out or that I'm just no fun?! I'm so fucking sorry that I'm not into drugs and alcohol! Seriously, I apologize for being no fun at all.

Btw...this has nothing to do with any of you...just my gripe for the evening...sorry...

OH...and does anyone know how to put a project playlist music player on this damned blog?! I have tried everything that I know to get it on here but I'm having some serious issues.

P.S. Please forgive my sailor's mouth. :)

Spanking withdrawls

2008-09-20T02:00:00.003-05:00

Okay, so here lately I've been having this terribly overwhelming need to be spanked. I am at the point to where I will do just about ANYTHING to get spanked. A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G. Which in turn could be a dangerous thing but I just can't get that damned feeling to dissipate. Is there ANYONE in the Arkansas area that is available as a spanker? Preferably close to my age (I've had some bad experience with older people, no offense, plus I'm looking for a serious relationship eventually. Not that I might consider someone older as a mentor if I found the right person, mind you...but that would require references. Any other ideas or suggestions?

I'm so sick of finding spankers that just don't match my needs. A lot of them seem to insist on my doing other things that I am just not into, and these things make me uncomfortable. I could see myself doing some of those things with someone that I've known for a while that I was/became comfortable with; however. It's just so hard to find a spanker in my area of hell, Arkansas. They are few and far between and certainly not a match for me. I think there are a lot of closet spankos around here but they are just too afraid to come out. What is the average age for someone to come out anyhow? I should do a study on that or something along those lines. Hah, wouldn't that be a funny idea to present to my psychology professor as a thesis paper and presentation?! Oh my! Now THAT would take some serious guts...which I don't possess.

Absenteeism in the blogosphere: My apologies

2008-09-19T05:17:00.004-05:00

Hi all. First off, I'd like to apologize for dropping out of the scene for a while. I've been having those darn negative thoughts overwhelming my cruel mind lately. I've also been rather busy with personal issues of another matter. A friend of mine committed suicide recently and I've been trying to sort that out in my head. I won't go into details but I just wanted to fill everyone in on my careless absence.

Thank you all so much for your kind and helpful words to my blogs. You all have really helped me and I hope to bring you some more blogs. At first, I'm just going to give you all some info about myself and what goes on in my head because I believe that is a good step to building me into getting to know who I am and what I'm all about. And later, I plan to add some spanking content on blogs, people, and the models that I adore.

I'd be happy to oblige and suggestions for blogs.

Thank you all once again and please bare with me and forgive me.

Beware: negativity ensues

2008-09-10T06:23:00.003-05:00

So. I'm young and semi-new to the scene, I'm here to learn and to grow, and this is how my mind works and this is not meant to offend anybody whatsoever, so please bear with me.

I watch videos. Spanking videos. I see all of these models. Young, beautiful, skinny, flawless models. I have a spanking fetish. I am not beautiful, skinny and flawless. I am real. I am a person. I consider myself to be cute, if that counts for anything at all. Still though, I am not these models. Is it true that Tops really simply just want someone who is just as passionate about this lifestyle as they are (and not just a pretty bare ass)? Do they really not care about looks? I mean, c'mon what Top wouldn't want to spank all of those lovely spanking models?

Is it true that if I decide to attend a spanking party that I will be completely welcomed? I mean, is it possible that every single person attending will truly want me there? Okay, I realize that every single person probably won't. See, I don't want someone to be nice to my face and then talk poorly about me behind my back. I can't stand fakes. Yet...I don't want to know if someone doesn't like me either. Hm...makes total sense to me?!

I've been told that I should consider going to a small party first...before even attempting to go to a larger one (such as All-State). I would love to do that but I'd have to make sure that some of my longer-term online friends were going to be there as well...for comforts sake. I'd like to feel protected. I do know a couple of people that would do that for me and I am very thankful for that.

Basically, I just want to ask for anybody's opinion on what I should expect at these parties, what kind of caution should I take, what I should do in an uncomfortable situation (or if I panic), what kind of rules everyone is expected to follow, etc.? Any comforting, self-esteem raising advice is more than welcome!

If you're still reading this and not shaking your head in disgust, thank you! :)

*Kimmie*

Myspace funnies...

2008-09-05T19:28:00.003-05:00

Sooooo...I just received this message on my Myspace homepage...I thought it was quite funny, and just wanted to share!

""The link you are trying to visit has been disabled.
You have reached a link that is no longer in service. That means the link was very naughty, and, much like head lice, had to be eliminated before it spread.
You may be asking yourself, 'Hey, what was it about that link that got it in trouble?' An excellent question! Usually, it's one of the following reasons:
- The link was spam! No one likes spammers, and we don't like their links.
- You almost got phished! There are people out there who want to steal your MySpace password. They want to log in as you and send spam, harass your friends, change your profile, and generally run amok. Phishing pages are usually designed to look like MySpace to trick you. Other sites may also ask for your MySpace login information to customize your profile, insert videos or slide shows, track visitors, or any number of other things.Don't make it easy for them. ONLY USE YOUR MYSPACE LOGIN INFO ON WWW.MYSPACE.COM!!
- Viruses are not fun! Neither is adware, spyware, or malware. We cut the links to places that are known sources of infection.
If you really did want to check out some spam, viruses, or phishing pages, we're really sorry to have interrupted. We're sure you can find it elsewhere. There's plenty on the Internet""

THAT'S RIGHT, BAAAAD LINK...NAUGHTY LINK...deserves a spanking!! ;-)

Realizations

2008-09-05T03:28:00.000-05:00

...Before I realized that I wanted a DD relationship, I was stubborn, unruly, always right, and I didn’t hold myself accountable for my wrong doings. Once I realized that I longed for a DD relationship, I did a complete 180 and started taking responsibility and holding myself accountable for my actions. It was an amazing realization and I believe this happened for a reason. I recently became a Christian, a follower of Jesus. I feel like I was meant to be humbled because my life was heading straight for 6 feet under. I saw that I needed a firm hand to guide me and motivate me to follow my dreams and not get sidetracked. I’m so happy that I feel the way that I do now…the only problem is that I haven’t found anyone to be my partner with a firm hand and a caring heart…

Domestic Discipline

2008-09-04T18:34:00.000-05:00

Domestic Discipline (DD) is defined as (according to Wikipedia): the practice of interspousal discipline with an emphasis on spanking as a punishment. Christian Domestic Discipline just adds the biblical/faith aspects into the mix.

I honestly wonder how many women are out there that desire this in their marriage but stay in the closet, so to speak, about it. For instance, I was on Myspace the other day and was browsing in the groups section and I was shocked at how many people were joining the "spanking" groups! Although, I have a feeling that some of the girls that signed up for those are the types that just like a couple smacks during sex. Still though...makes me wonder.

Anyhow, as for me...I realized that I desired a DD relationship around the age of 18; however I had been curious about spanking for far longer (although at a VERY young age I didn't understand what it was I was feeling, if that makes any sense). I don't know if it was just engrained in me (genes) or what...but I was rarely spanked as a child so I know it wasn't that. I clearly recall spanking my stuffed animals (HAHA) and looking up various words pertaining to spanking in dictionary's, encyclopedia's, and various books. Does anyone have any ideas on what would cause this at such a young age? I know I'm not the only one.

Well, let me end this with telling you all what I'm seeking in a relationship. I want my partner to be gentle, loving, faithful, caring, intelligent, strong...he must want to help me grow, not change me. I do NOT want someone who simply wants to change me because I will NOT change for anyone. He just needs to keep me under his wing and cherish me and let me grow into who I desire to be. I believe a relationship can grow stronger and stronger through DD. I'd feel so loved and cherished if I could find someone who wasn't afraid to take me over his knee when I needed it. I know that men do not like causing their loved one true pain (emotionally and physically) during discipline, but yet they know they have to do it and that in the end it will make her feel better, relieved. I believe it would also make him feel better as well. The most important aspect for me is TRUST. If I can find the man that I can put all of my trust into...it will be true love, no doubt in my mind.

THAT is what I desire, THAT is what I long for...THAT is what I'm terrified I will NEVER find.

Spanking

2008-09-04T15:27:00.000-05:00

So, I'm beginning a new adventure...I'm going to start posting blogs related to spanking...in hopes that it will help my self-confidence a bit. Perhaps I will meet new people that are into the spanking scene. Perhaps I will even make some true friends. I'm going to try and post some stories and poetry that I have written in the past.

Anyhow, I'm Kimmie. Pleased to meet you! :)